Awkward
by xcrysto
Summary: Being in a 'relationship' with the time-travelling daughter of your two best friends can sometimes make things rather...awkward...
1. Chapter 1

_So this is my first Doctor who story, I haven't written for a long long long time and didn't really think I ever would again but what do you know, The Doctor and River inspired me and I just couldn't resist! I just love these two, I love their chemistry and their complicated relationship and bah. They're just great. They were made for each other :D In fact it seems River was literally made for him :)_

_This is set after Demon's Run and I think I see it as some time when River is travelling with the Doctor, Amy and Rory for a short while. _

_I hope this is enjoyed, please don't forget to leave a review to let me know what you think of it I would absolutely love some feedback :) And please let me know if you think the rating should be changed to an M, I didn't really think it was too bad there's nothing explict or anything but yeah let me know if I do need to change it!_

* * *

><p>"Right, so," Amy Pond's Scottish voice rings out as she and her husband enter the console room of the Tardis, "we're gonna go see my parents, then pop round Rory's, let them know we had fun on our honeymoon, we're both safe and sound and married life and everything's great…" she pauses to catch her breath. "And then we'll be back. Should only be a few hours so please, <em>please<em> don't disappear or fly off for some adventure while you wait, I know you and your time keeping skills you probably wouldn't be back til we're thirty.""Hey! I'll have you know I'm a time _lord, _therefore my time-keeping skills are excellent." The Doctor argues.

Amy fixes him with a look that makes him shuffle a bit. "Well," he says, "usually."

"Yeah. No leaving, alright? Promise?""Fine, promise," the Doctor mumbles sulkily.

"So," came River's voice as she walks into the room smoothing her dress down, her high heels clinking loudly on the metal floor. "Where have we landed? And it better be somewhere glamorous, don't forget you promised me dancing…" Her voice trails off as she spots Amy and Rory in jeans by the door with bags in their hands. She turns to look at the Doctor.

"Sorry River," Amy says as she opens the Tardis door. "Dancing will have to wait - me and Rory need to pop home you know - check up on the family and all that - so stay outta trouble while we're gone. We should only be a few hours." She tells them as she walks out of the doors.

"A few hours? It's your _mother_," Rory argues.

"Oh shut up."

The doors close and a short silence falls as the Doctor looks sulky and River looks disappointed - until she looks over at the Doctor and her face lights up.

"So…" River begins, a slightly mischievous look on her face as she saunters round the console towards the Doctor, running her hands absently over the controls. "Doctor."

The Doctor leans back against the console, folding his arms as a small smile dances on his lips. "River." He answers her back.

"We're all alone."

"It would appear so."

"And stuck in the Tardis."

"Apparently."

"Whatever can we do?"

"Well, I…wait, was that a trick question?"

She laughs softly as she stops in front of him, reaching out to grab him by the lapels of his coat. "Oh, come here," she says, before kissing him deeply.

The Doctor responds quickly, all the shyness he once felt with her now gone, and he wraps his arms round her curvaceous form, pulling her close. She moans into his mouth and he pulls away, leaning back a little to let his eyes glide up and down her body as his hands skim her sides. "This is a very nice dress," he tells her admiring the way the shimmering dark blue material clings to her.

She smiles. "Thank you sweetie, I knew you'd like it. After all, you did buy it for me."

He raises his eyebrows then smirks. "Spoilers." He throws at her.

"Only a little one."

He leans down to kiss her again and she quickly tugs his shirt out from his trousers, running her hands up underneath it, letting them glide over his stomach. As her tongue finds his once more the Doctor briefly lets his fingers tangle in her curly hair then slides them down over her body again. "Mmm," River moans before parting briefly from his mouth. "I want you," she breathes and the Doctor growls low in his throat before grabbing hold of her waist and spinning them so he can lift her onto the Tardis console which groans loudly in response.

The Doctor pulls back to look at River. "Sorry old girl. Maybe we shouldn't do this here…"

"Oh," River smiles, "she doesn't mind."

"How do you know that?" She raises an eyebrow and he catches on quickly. "Right. Spoilers."

He steps back between her legs and his mouth finds hers again. She takes hold of his hands and places them on her thighs and he obediently begins sliding them upwards, taking the hem of her dress with them while her own hands find their way under his shirt again. She moans softly at the feel of his hands on her bare thighs and he fingers the lacy material of her underwear briefly before slipping his hand inside and finding new ways to make her moan.

River drags herself closer to him, pressing her body against his and throwing her head back. "Oh sweetie, she breathes, "don't stop!"

"I don't intend to," he informs her in a low voice in her ear, before they kiss once more.

-x-

"I'm telling you it's not in here!" Rory tells his wife for the third time.

"Well check the other bag!"

"This is the other bag, I've checked both, it's definitely not here!"

"For crying out loud Rory, you only had four presents to remember, how could you have forgotten it!"

"I don't know, I told you I thought I'd already packed it!"

"I know what this is - you just don't want to go visit my mum do you? This is so you can get out of it!"

"Don't be ridiculous Amy - look, we haven't gone far, we'll just go back and get it."

Amy huffs loudly. "Well come on then. It's back that way."

-x-

River is moaning loudly, kissing the Doctor for all she's worth as she grinds herself against him and he grunts in response. "Take them off," she mutters as he fumbles with her underwear, wanting to be as close as possible to him _now_ and he hooks his fingers in the top of her knickers and -

The door opens.

"Mum, dad!" River gasps, pushing the Doctor away from her as she jumps off the console and scrambles to get her dress down.

"This is not what it looks like!" The Doctor immediately exclaims, face beetroot red as he too fumbles awkwardly with his clothes.

River rolls her eyes, calm again now the initial shock had worn off. "It _is_ what it looks like," she addresses Amy and Rory unabashedly. "Or almost was," she adds, more to herself and Rory opens his mouth as if to say something but instead just turns to glance at Amy who is for once, stunned into silence. "And would have been if you hadn't have walked in," River continues quickly as she starts to back away, rambling a little now the embarrassment has started to kick in, "which we obviously weren't expecting you to do or it most definitely wouldn't have been happening in here, would it sweetie?"

"Uh -"

She grabs the stuttering Doctor by his sleeve and starts to drag him with her. "So, awkward as this has been I think we better be going now to continue elsewhere…"

"What!" The doctor gasps, looking at her in shock and back to Amy and Rory. "She doesn't mean that, she's joking, we weren't doing anything!" He swears, laughing awkwardly as he continues backing away with River. "Just um… - the Tardis! We were er…" he looks to River for help who does nothing but raise an eyebrow. "Well we were just…uh…fixing…it…?"

"Oh for -" River exclaims, exasperated and grabs his arm again, turning to tug him out of the room with her, "come on!" She pauses as she reaches the door and turns back to look at Amy and Rory who both still look shocked and interrupts Amy as she opens her mouth to say something with, "And yes mum and dad - we are being careful." And leaves quickly with the Doctor as Rory claps his hands over his ears.

"Well." Says Rory after a moment. "That wasn't weird. Or slightly disturbing. Seeing the Doctor and my grown up daughter…who was only just born a few months ago…who I've known longer than that…"Amy pats his shoulder. "Yeah."

-x-

"Well." The Doctor says as he shuts the bedroom door behind them, running a hand over his still pink face. "That was embarrassing. Not to mention awkward…I'm never going to be able to look your parents in the eye again," he tells her, meaning to be light hearted but instead sounding as serious as he feels about it.

River chuckles, moving across the room to sit on the bed as she kicks her heels off. "It's not really that bad sweetie, and I don't know why _you _feel embarrassed anyway - they're _my _parents."

"Just - because!" He exclaims as he flails his arms around and starts pacing, running and hand through his hair. "They're you're parents - they're Amy and Rory and they're your parents! And now they're going to know that I - that we - we, we…" More arm waving and River laughs again.

"Oh come on, it's not like they didn't already know you're doing me," she tells him, raising an eyebrow and delighting in making him blush even darker.

"What!" He splutters. "Of course they didn't know - what makes you say they know!"

"Well," she tells him calmly as she stands to unzip her dress and shimmy out of it, "apart from the fact that Rory tried to give me 'the talk' last week - not something a girl wants to hear from her dad when he's about ten years younger than her - I think it's pretty obvious when we're sleeping in the same room dear."

"Yes but - they don't know that!"

She rolls her eyes. "Of course they do." And walks over to him. "Now can we please stop talking about my parents and finish what we started before we were interrupted?"

"Nope, sorry. Not in the mood anymore. Couldn't possibly be after that!"

She raises an eyebrow and holds his gaze as she reaches round behind her and unclips her bra, letting it drop to the floor. The Doctor swallows hard, his eyes sliding down over her and back up to meet hers. There's a short pause as they stare at each other and then a smile quirks at his lips.

"Mood's back."

She laughs as he wraps his arms round her and backs her across the room towards the bed.


	2. Chapter 2

_So, I hadn't planned to continue this, the first chapter was initially written as a one-shot but I was so thrilled with the response and how much you all seemed to enjoy the whole 'awkwardness' of the Amy and Rory walking in on River and the Doctor situation I decided to continue it. Because ever since finding out who River was this idea has amused me greatly too. So I have no idea how many chapters there will be but this will be like a series of one-shots depicting the 'awkward' moments the Doctor and River's relationship incurs with her parents being the Doctor's best friends :) _

_Hope you all enjoy this one, I thrive on feedback so please leave me some when you've read it! Again, this is probably pushing the boundaries of a T-rating but I still don't think the material is 'mature' enough to warrant an M :)_

* * *

><p>Meeting River Song here in the thirty-ninth century on planet Elzon had really been a surprise. Of course, once he'd found out she was here he'd looked for her of course - but the fact that he and she had both been here, now, was a surprise to both - and quite the co-incidence. He had strong suspicions the Tardis had something to do with it, especially since he'd been aiming for the fortieth century (big party - over the whole planet and lasting the whole century; he'd thought it might be nice for them to have some un-dangerous fun for once) of course, the old girl always had liked River.<p>

There had been no party where they'd found each other, only a lot of running, sticky-lasso-wielding-alien-monsters and a lot of River shooting…anyway they were back on the Tardis now, with Amy and Rory still out there somewhere, probably still running, or something similar…right now neither could find it in them to care. They had a time machine - they could go and save her parents later.

"I like you without the bowtie," River tells him softly as she runs her hand down the bare chest his open shirt was displaying. She was seated comfortably atop him on the old-fashioned swivel chair that always seemed to live in the console room, her bare legs swung over his lap and head resting on his shoulder. Their breathing had returned to normal by now but a fine layer of sweat was still drying on both their bodies.

He tries to frown at her but finds it impossible when she's sitting on his lap wearing just her underwear and a soft smile. "Bowties are -"

"You say that one more time and I'll choke you with the damn bowtie. You and your ridiculous ideas of 'cool'." Her voice is stern but her tone teasing. "Mind you," she continues as she runs her hands to his braces and slips her fingers under them. "I must say I do like these."

"Oh really?" He flirts back.

"Mm hmm," she confirms, before leaning close to speak low into his ear; "they give me something to hold on to."

He smirks, chuckling a little as he runs his hands up her back. "Oh River Song you are a _bad_ girl."

"Oh, you haven't seen bad yet."

It's his turn to speak into her ear, "Well why don't you show me just how bad you can be?"

She shivers lightly and smiles at him before sitting up and stretching a little. "Hold that thought sweetie, I think we could use some refreshments before we're ready to go again don't you?"

He smiles at her and taps her nose fondly. "There's champagne from eighteenth century France in the kitchen, only picked it up last week."

"Well then," she says as she gets to her feet and scoops up the tweed jacket that had been lying abandoned on the floor and slips it on over her underwear. "I'll be right back." And with a wink to him, turns and walks off.

The Doctor smiles to himself as he watches her curly head of hair disappear down the stairs and out of the room. He pulls out the high-heeled shoe that had somehow ended up stuffed a little uncomfortably between his back and the chair and fiddles with it, spinning it by the heel as he absently swings his swivel chair from side to side.

"Doctor!" Comes a sudden Scottish voice as the main door bursts open and two familiar figures fall through it. "Oh I'm so glad we found you we managed to outrun them but then these even bigger guys came out with like electric _swords_ or something and we - what are you doing?"

"What? Me! Nothing!" The Doctor had nearly fallen out of his chair in surprise at seeing the two and flails about a bit as he spins to face them, hurriedly pulling his open shirt together.

"I - you…where's your jacket - and your bow-tie?" Amy eyes his shirt suspiciously as he pulls it together tighter. "I don't think I've ever seen you without it…"

"It uh - I was busy - very busy, you know busy…running and things - and it was hot. I got too hot so I - well I took it off. When I got back here"

"Ok…" Says Rory, slightly suspicious of his flustered rambling. "Well we - is that a shoe?"

"What this? No!" He tosses it over his shoulder. "Well yes, it was, but - it's not important," he folds his arms tightly round himself, "you were saying?"

"Well yeah," Amy continues for him, "we couldn't find the Tardis, but we did - obviously - but we lost you - and we needed you to -" She breaks off suddenly at the sound of another voice and a figure rounding the corner -

"Sweetie I couldn't find any champagne so I - oh! Amy! Rory!" River says in surprise, stopping dead in her tracks when she sees them. Her eyes dart quickly over to the mortified Doctor then flicker down the items she holds in her hands; a bottle of wine and handcuffs. She quickly hides the latter behind her back. "Mum and dad…" she confirms. "Well…" She clears her throat and gives a forced smile. "This is awkward."

"River," the Doctor points at her, "and I ran into each other and she was just…fetching some refreshments for us while we…work on updating the Tardis' internal extroccerlating locator device…you know so we could…locate you two and…come and save you…"

"Right…" Amy raised her eyebrows, glancing at River then at the Doctor then back to River again. "Figuring out how to save us…in just a jacket?…The _Doctor's _jacket?" She says very pointedly.

"Well…it was a bit too cold to go and fetch the wine in just my underwear…"

"Amy!" Rory suddenly says loudly. "I think it's time we're leaving don't you!"

"Yeah, definitely. Definitely leaving time - nice to see you're both here, and safe and all but I think we better be going!"

"Yes and - uh - it's great to see you River," Rory adds as an after-thought, "I'm assuming you know we know you're…you…now because you and the Doctor are…yeah…but it's good to see you, and see you're alright." He goes to turn but then pauses then points at the Doctor in warning, "and if you had been any other man…you'd be dead right now."

"Rory!" Amy scolds, rolling her eyes as she drags him away by the arm.

"What? She's my daughter I'm just saying."

The two exit the Tardis, shutting the door swiftly behind them, turn to see about fifty sticky-lasso-wielding-aliens _and_ at least ten with electric swords and bundle quickly back into the blue box.

"Yeah, leaving _that_ way," Amy corrects, pointing to the Tardis corridor. The two scoot quickly past their daughter and the red-faced Doctor and hurry up the stairs to the top corridor.

Amy stops as she gets to the top and turns to face them. "You know it's nice to know you were both worried when we were out there you know - fearing for out lives and nearly dieing and all that," she sticks her thumb up sarcastically, "great to know we're loved."

"Oh…no!" The Doctor denies quickly, "We've got a time machine - we were going to come and save you after!"

River rolls her eyes. "Not helping Doctor."

"So not helping." Amy agrees. "And please," She turns back to say with pleading eyes, "next time can you…lock the door or something? _Especially_ if there's handcuffs involved! God knows what we would have seen if we hadn't have escaped as soon as we did!"

River has the decency to blush as Rory splutters, "What!" And Amy mutters at him to 'never mind' as the couple disappear round the corner and out of sight.

The Doctor whips his head round to River. "Handcuffs!"

She pulls them out from behind her back, dangling them off one finger.

"What -" He fumbles for something to say about the whole situation but all he can come up with is; "why do you have handcuffs?"

Despite the previous awkward atmosphere she can't help but smile at his flustered appearance and wide eyes as he stairs at the item in her hand. "Well." She shrugs, pasting a pseudo-innocent look on her face as she begins to stroll slowly towards him.

"River…" He questions the look on her face in a low warning tone with narrowed eyes.

She sits herself back down on his lap and kisses him deeply, her tongue pushing it's way into his mouth and the Doctor can't help but groan as he kisses her back. When she pulls back he moves to wrap his arms round her - to find he can't. "River!" He cries in astonishment as he struggles against the metal keeping his wrists now pinned to the back of the chair.

She grins and leans forward to whisper in his ear, "you did say you wanted _bad_, Doctor…"

* * *

><p><em>Please let me know if you liked this one and I do have a couple more ideas for chapters of this but would love any ideasopinions/suggestions for future 'awkward' moments to write! :) x_


	3. Chapter 3

_First of all thanks so so much for all the positive reviews! I wouldn't be continuing this if it wasn't for you and those of you who added me to alert/faves so thank you so much!_

_This one is more River and Amy centric, although it's largely about the Doctor too. I wanted to explore what their relationship might be like now Amy knows River's her daughter…it's a weird/interesting situation. I had a lot of fun with this one, and I hope I did alright with Amy's character. Enjoy and don't forget to let me know what you think! I live for feedback :D_

* * *

><p>It has taken some getting used to, the fact that River Song, this smart, strong, incredible woman that, if she's honest with herself, she used to admire quite a bit, is in fact her daughter. But Amy Pond thinks she's come to terms with it, and is pleased that over the last week that they'd been travelling together (just for a short while though, River had insisted - can't be screwing with time by making things too linear) the two had formed a unique sort-of bond.<p>

It wasn't quiet the best-friend bond they used to have, or the conventional mother-daughter relationship…but it was somewhere in between. And it was real. Strange as it was to think, she did love River, and she thought - hoped - River loved her too.

The day had consisted of another adventure, ending in - as they more often than not do with the Doctor - a lot of running and a life-death situation. The two women were nursing sore feet; the Doctor had promised them fine dining and they had worn footwear for some such occasion. Unfortunately high heels were not very appropriate for the activities they _did_ end up doing. And so they'd ended up in one of the Tardis' lounges, both slumped on the comfortable brown sofa which was heaven for their aching legs, with a bottle of wine in front of them and glass each in their hands.

"I swear that man will be the death of me." River confided in her friend/mother. "Next time I go anywhere with him in heels I'm brining a change of footwear."

"Yeah right. We should've known better - don't think I've ever gone somewhere with him that didn't end in something trying to kill us."

They laugh together and both take sips of their wine.

"You know when I first started travelling with him I thought he was so amazing, that he was…like my knight in shining armour or something. Now I've realised he _puts_ me in more danger than he saves me from." Amy jokes, laughing a little.

"What was he saving you from to start with?"

Amy looks guilty at saying so but admits, "Rory." At River's raised eyebrows she continues. "No I always loved him don't get me wrong, I did _know_ I wanted to be with him but you know…marriage. It's such a big word. Such a…scary word. It means forever. Tied down to one person forever…I guess I kinda just wanted one last fling or something. So I ran off with this crazy man I'd met when I was a girl who'd come back to whisk me off in his blue box.." She appears lost in thought and gives herself a little shake and smiles at River.

River is looking at her intently. "Did you love him?"

"The Doctor? No, no. I love Rory, always have. It was more, I don't know. Fascination with him."

River suddenly looks a little worried and very inquisitive. "You and the Doctor never…" she trails off meaningfully, raising her eyebrows at Amy.

"No." The redhead laughs a little and River seems to breathe a sigh of relief. "No, no, no. Not saying I never tried…but - he wasn't having any of it."

Amy turns to look at River who is staring at her with her eyebrows raised even higher now.

"Oh come on," the Scottish woman says, "girl gets whisked off on adventures by some gorgeous time-travelling genius…you think there's any way she _wouldn't _try and sleep with him at some point?"

River was gaping at her. She hardly dared to ask. "What did you do?"

"Oh you know just sort of…" She cringes as she peeks over at River, "threw myself at him…"

River laughs loudly as Amy buries her head in her hands. "Shut up, I know. But I was young ok. And just about to get married and confused and the Doctor was so…the Doctor! Oh it's awful when I think about it now and what must he have thought I mean I was literally like, _all_ over him…"

"Ok. Thanks mother. So _not_ an image I needed in my head." She takes a sip of her wine.

Amy bites her lip, laughing a little. "Sorry. You did ask. Anyway it's not like anything happened…well he did sort of kiss me back for a bit…but then he pushed me away. Oh my God you should have seen his face he didn't know what to do!"

They laugh together. "I can imagine. I mean in nine hundred years you'd think he'd have figured out how to handle women but sometimes he can just be so -"

"Clueless!" Amy says with her. "I know right! He just looked _so_ uncomfortable it was hilarious really now I think about it!"

"Oh he still gets like that. Especially if you take him by surprise sometimes it's like he just doesn't know what to do he gets so embarrassed!"

Amy gives a short laugh and then looks at River and bites her lip. They both seem to simultaneously realise just what they've been discussing and Amy looks away and fidgets a bit. River clears her throat.

"Right." River says.

"Ok."

"…"

"Yeah this conversation's getting a little…"

They look at each other and say the same word together; "awkward."

More throat clearing and Amy tucks her hair behind her ear.

River reaches to the table in front and picks up the bottle of wine. "Top up?"

"Definitely."

The curly haired woman fills both their glasses and they sip in silence for a few moments, unbearably obviously both thinking about the same thing, before Amy is unable to keep quiet any longer and pipes up; "So…what's he like?"

River just manages to stop herself from spitting out her mouthful of wine in surprise and gulps it down to stare at Amy in silence for a few seconds. "You're asking _me this?"_

"Well…yeah. Oh come on I know but…I've gotta know is it all like…I don't know…timey and…weird?"

"_Timey_!"

"Shut up, you know what I mean. Is it just like being with a normal guy or is it…different?"

There is a pause as River stares at the redhead. "You do remember who I am?"

Amy lightly slaps her knee. "Of course don't be stupid."

"And you're asking your daughter…what it's like having sex with your best friend?"

The Scott has the decency to blush. "Oh my god you make it sound terrible! But it's not like that because - well it shouldn't be awkward and weird because we're not like that are we? I mean, River…you're Mels…well you were. We used to share everything…and now you're older than me and so it's not really like I'm your _mum_…"

"No…except you _are _mother. And we are not having this conversation." River moves to get up but Amy grabs her by the arm and pulls her back down.

"Oh River come on. Just tell me…" She gets a mischievous look on her young face. "…Is he good?"

She laughs. "Nine hundred years Amy. What do you think?"

Amy snorts. "Really good?"

River stares hard at her. "I am _not _telling you."

"Oh River," Amy whines. "_Mels…_Come on when you were fifteen and you lost it to Brett Reed in the bathroom at Jamie's party you told me _every detail…_wait…oh my God!" Amy's face goes a bit pink and then she slaps River on the arm.

"Ow!"

"You were too young! What were you thinking! And I can't believe you told me that - you knew who I was then right? Oh my God…that's something a mother does _not_ need to know about her daughter…"

River rolls her eyes. "That's what I've been trying to tell you Amy. And yes, I did know who you were then but it wasn't really _like that_ in my head I mean…we grew up together, we were the same age and you were just my friend. I always knew in the back of my mind but sometimes I guess I…forgot. Or didn't really think of it. Or didn't quiet believe it…I don't know."

Amy suddenly looks sad. "This is so messed up."

River just shrugs. "It's how it's always been…" She pauses for a moment as her trained senses kick in and then rolls her eyes. "And Doctor - didn't anyone ever tell you it's rude to eavesdrop?"

There's a short pause and then the Doctor appears round the corner of the doorway behind the sofa they are sitting on, looking sheepish.

"Doctor!" Amy scolds in shock.

"Well how could I help it when you're talking about me? And how do you _do that?_" He asks River in bewilderment.

"All those years being trained to kill you sweetie. Picked up a few skills I can't get rid of."

The Doctor grumbles.

"Um, what exactly did you just hear?" Amy asks crossly.

The Doctor smirks a little, looking very pleased with himself, and straightens the lapels of his jacket. "Nine hundred years _is_ a long time."

River closes her eyes in exasperation. "Oh I hate him." She declares.

"No you don't." He tells her smugly.

"You should _not_ haven been listening to that, that was…girl talk!" Amy scolds him.

"Yes, figures that _that_ would be what you girls would be talking about, you know you're all the same. Leave a couple of girls together for a while and what does the conversation turn to? Boys and _sex_." He practically spit's the word out and River gives him a meaningful look.

"Don't pretend you're above it sweetie. You forget who you're talking to."

His previous cockiness gone with her words, the Doctor goes a little red and shifts about on his feet.

"Right." Amy steps in, deciding to save him from his own embarrassment. "Ok the subject of this conversation is getting weird with…" She points at each of them in turn, "daughter, friend - in the room together so…I'm going to bed." She puts down her wine glass and leans over to give River a quick hug, planting a kiss on her cheek. "Night River."

"Night Amy, sleep well."

"Night Doctor," Amy says, placing a hand on his shoulder as she walks past him then turns before she leaves the room. "And you two…behave!" She points a finger at them sternly although there's a small smile on her face.

River waves her off, laughing a little "Go to bed mother."

Amy laughs as she leaves the room.

River takes a sip of her wine then turns her head to ask the Doctor to join her to find him giving her a piercing stare.

She raises her eyebrows at him. "What?"

"Who's _Brett Reed_?"

He pronounces the name with such disdain that she has to throw back her head and laugh.

"Oh…just someone from a past life sweetie."

* * *

><p><em>What did people think of the episode last night? Amy and Rory leaving? I didn't see that one coming : Kinda hoped we would see a bit more of hoe things would develope with them now they know who River is. And anyone see the confidential? When Steven Moffat said something along the lines of 'Amy, Rory and the Doctor are literally family now as he's practically dating their daughter' ...3 :D :D_


	4. Chapter 4

_So I haven't had much time to write the past couple of weeks work has been keeping me very busy but I had a couple of hours to spare so I just whipped this one up this evening so thought I would post it up straight away. :) Once again thank you so much for all the reviews I recieved for the last chapter, and every chapter actually. It means a lot sweeties, and inspires me to keep going! _

_This one is set some time after the Doctor drops off Amy and Rory at the end of the God Complex, I hope you enjoy it and please leave me a review to let me know if you did! :D_

* * *

><p><em>River Song. <em>

_River…River Song._

_No! Daleks, cyber men, slitheen…River Song. _Her curly hair, her flirtatious smile…it was no use. It's all he can think about today. And yesterday…and all the time lately, really. Ever since he dropped off the Ponds and he's been travelling alone she seems to be all he can think of. _Damn it. _He misses her, and he wants to see her and he doesn't want to wait for her to call him or for fate to be the cause of them meeting again…he gives in. With a loud huff of defeat the Doctor finally gives in.

"I give up!" He proclaims loudly, shooting to his feet and dashing to the console and starting to pull levers. "Take me to her old girl. Take me to see River!" And with a loud whirring noise the Tardis stirs to life as if she'd been waiting for this very command, (it's possible she had, knowing it would come eventually) and the Doctor grins madly and darts round the console, pushing buttons and pulling levers to keep up with the Tardis as she sets her course.

When they land he practically falls out of the doors and without taking in his surroundings or pausing to take note of when and where he seems to be he stumbles forwards and knocks loudly on the door in front of him.

It takes a few moments of his insistent banging for the door to open and he manages to use the time to pull himself together slightly, so much that he is able to be standing there composed and with a grin on his face when the door does swing open.

River Song indeed stands in the doorway and the surprise is evident on her face. "Doctor!"

"River! Don't I get a hello sweetie?" He grins at her.

"Hello sweetie," she replies, rolling her eyes slightly. "What do you want?"

"Me? Nothing."

She raises an eyebrow at him. "Nothing?"

"Nope, nothing. Can I come in?"

She smiles at him then. "Of course," and steps aside to let him stroll past her with a grin as she shuts the door behind him. She walks past him, making to lead him into the house out of the hallway but is stopped by his hand on her arm. She turns to look at him quizzically.

"Actually that's a lie, I do want something."

"Ah." She sighs slightly. "Of course you do you al-"

He cuts her short when he pushes her none too gently into the wall behind her and presses himself against her. "You."

Surprised by this side of him she doesn't see often she can only stammer, "wh - what?"

"I want you." And with this he presses his lips to hers and attempts to kiss her deeply. Attempting is all he seems to be able to do as he realises after a few short moments that she doesn't seem to be responding, at about the same time she pushes him back gently with hands on his chest.

"Um - Doctor, I don't think this is -"

"What is it, what's wrong?"

"Nothing's _wrong _honey it's just -"

"I want you River," he pushes himself, if possible, closer to her. "You look beautiful," he tells her intensely as he runs his hands over her body, encased in a tight top and simple pair of jeans.

"Thank you, but I -"

"I _need_ you, I've missed you so much and I need you now…"

"Sweetie, I've missed you too," she hushes him, "I always miss you, but it's just that I don't think right now -"

"Why not? Right now is as good a time as any. Right now is the best time, you should always do things right now when you want to do them, and right now I want to do _you, _River…"

He tries to kiss her again but she ducks away this time to look at him sternly. "Sweetie, really. You should probably come in."

She tries to look at him meaningfully but he just smirks, and makes to follow her as she takes his hand to lead him into the open door just a few steps down the hall from where they had been. He rambles all the while, "well yes, coming in might be a good idea, I have no qualms about doing it in a hallway but something like a sofa is always more -"

He stops abruptly as soon as he rounds the corner and freezes mid sentence and step, his mouth open.

"…comfortable." He finishes awkwardly. _Very _awkwardly. "…Amy. Rory." He looks back and forth from the redhead and her husband to River…their daughter, for a few seconds. "…hello."

River clears her throat. The Doctor clears his. Amy and Rory just look at him. He inches closer to River, and tries to mutter out of the corner of his mouth at her, but since the room is deathly quiet it is really pointless.

"Why didn't you tell me your parents were here?"

"I _tried to_," she mutters back. "And actually sweetie, you probably should have guessed since you're in _their _house. And _I'm _the one that's here."

The Doctor looks at the couple again. "Ohh! Oh yes, right. Of course. Of course this is your house, Amy and Rory. I should know, I gave it to you!" He grins nervously and fiddles with his bowtie. "Just thought I'd pop by for a visit, see how you were doing and all, nice to see you're doing well, must be off, toodaloo!"

He spins on his heel and makes to leave the room but Amy is quicker than him and shoots to her feet. "Not so fast Doctor! We haven't seen you in four months and since you just accosted out daughter in the hallway I think you can at least stay for a cup of tea, yeah?"

Still looking very, very embarrassed, the Doctor looks between the three people in the room again. Rory isn't looking best pleased with him, River doesn't seem too phased by it all and Amy…well actually he thinks she's smiling. He tentatively smiles back and then she breaks into a grin. She's definitely smiling. He relaxes a little and turns back round properly. "Of course, I love tea me, tea's great!"

Amy laughs a little and steps forward to hug him tightly. "Oh it's good to see you, you great idiot!"

When they pull away he turns towards Rory who has also gotten to his feet. "Rory the Roman!" He greets him grandly. "How are you!"

Rory doesn't smile back, instead he points at River who is watching the reunion quietly and tells him sternly, "she is not to be treated like that. She is a human being, she has feelings, you cannot just drop out of the sky whenever you feel like and, and just - do that - with her, that's not fair, and that's not respecting her," his mouth is open to continue his slightly awkward rant but River cuts him off, stepping between him and the Doctor.

"Oh Rory, calm down. I'd say you're not my father, but…well you are, but honestly. You don't need to try to be. I'm a big girl, and it's fine. He does respect me and really, it's fine." She turns to look at the Doctor and gives him a little wink. "And I don't mind. You can drop in on me and do _that_ whenever you like sweetie just please, next time make sure I'm alone before you do."

The Doctor is now bright red, and Rory too, is a rather deep shade of pink. Amy covers her face with her hand, shaking her head slightly. River strolls over to the nearest sofa and sits herself down.

"Well." She proclaims. "Nothing like a nice awkward silence to break the ice at a family reunion."

The Doctor looks from her to Rory for a few seconds and stammers a bit a couple of times as if he is going to say something but can't find the words. Finally, he speaks. "I think there's only one thing we can do at a time like this." He swallows slightly and gives Amy a tentative grin. "Pond, put the kettle on!"


	5. Chapter 5

_Gosh I haven't written this much in a long, long time...two stories and now another chapter of this one in just over a week! I don't know what's happening to me but I'm quite enjoying it :) Think I have Doctor/River fever!_

_Huge thanks for all the positive feedback I've recieved for this story so far, please keep it coming it inspires me to write more! This chapter just sprung itself up inside my head from a scene in 'First Night', 'Last Night', and it had to be written! I really hope you enjoy it sweeties!_

* * *

><p>Now this was a situation he didn't find himself in every day, the Doctor briefly mused. But this was River Song, and situations involving her generally weren't ordinary sort of events.<p>

That she had beamed herself into his Tardis was a surprise enough in itself - he could only assume the Tardis liked her enough to let her do so; nothing else had ever got in when the shields had been up - but when she had collapsed to the floor out cold as soon as she'd materialised he really had been very alarmed.

"River!" He cried as soon as he'd got over the shock and realised just what had just landed on his console room floor. "River, what happened, are you ok?" He asked frantically, kneeling next to her although it was obvious she was unconscious. She was breathing so that was a good start but…her heart rate was slow, very very slow…no…he leaned his ear against the other side of her chest - _that_ heart was fine and beating normally, it was only the one on the left that seemed to be slowing down and weakening…why, _why _was that? And there was a buzzing sound - what was it?

"River what's happened," he mutters as he whips out his sonic and scans it over her. "What's happening to you, why is one heart slowing down? Ahh…normal, normal, normal," he reads off the readings on his sonic, "yes I _know_ heart rate is slow, _thank you_, that is the problem! - Ah ha! What's this - alien life form? What - where?" He scans her again quickly, pausing when it beeps - sure enough over her left heart. "What is it, what's…oh no."

Dropping his sonic, the Doctor hurriedly grabs the hem of River's tight t-shirt, yanking it up and pulling her limp body up briefly to tug it over her head, tossing it aside. He swallows, forcing his eyes from the purple lacy bra she has on under there - now is hardly the time for such thoughts! - And sure enough, situated on her chest, right over where her left heart is, there is a black disk like object with a little red light on.

It's a skarpi-bot, just like he'd feared, an insect-like robot originally created from the real insect skarpi that originated from the planet Hydrix. The nasty bugs live on blood and do so by latching on to the body over the heart of it's victim and plunging it's claw-like legs/fangs in to draw the blood out, slowing the heart until the being dies and it's free to drain the whole body. Now these robot simulations of them had been created as a weapon of war, once correctly thrown at the opponent they too, would latch onto their heart to draw out the blood causing weakness, inability to fight and eventually, death. It was a slow and unpleasant way to go.

Sonic in hand, the Doctor points it at the skarpi, disarming it immediately. Opening it up and fiddling with the settings inside he is able to release all the obtained blood back into River's body - thankfully there hadn't been too much - and her heart rate begina to return to normal. He breathea a sigh of relief.

"Now to remove you, you nasty little thing," he mutters, pressing some more buttons inside and aiming his sonic at it. A click can be heard and he is able to lift it off her. Six tiny pin-prick marks are all that's left on her skin, and he expects that due to her Time-Lord healing properties, even they would be gone in a matter of minutes and she should come round easily. Setting it on the floor he aims his sonic once more and with a pop it shatters into a million pieces so small it appears to have vanished.

He breathes a sigh of relief and sits back next to her, running a hand through his hair. He is slightly alarmed at how his hand shakes - the situation had clearly rattled him more than he realised at the time. "Oh River Song, you do keep me on my toes." He tells her, although she is still unconscious. "Now how on earth did you get one of those attached to you? I hate to think what you've been up to you bad girl." He smiles a little, and brushing a few curls, slightly damp with sweat from her face, he leans down to press a kiss to her forehead.

He feels her stir, and leans back a bit, his hands either side of her head to look down at her as she gingerly opens her eyes.

She blinks blearily in confusion for a few seconds before, "Doctor?"

"Yes, I -"

"Oh my God, _what_ is going on? River? Is that you!" Amy's Scottish voice rings out and the Doctor winces, and even more so when he hears Rory's too.

"Yeah, what _is_ going on…?"

The Ponds had appeared at the corridor entrance leading to the rest of the Tardis. And the Doctor had to admit, he could understand those looks on their faces; from an outsiders point of view, this probably didn't look good. Quickly, he flies back from leaning over her and sits up.

"Okay," he begins, a finger raised in the air, "now this _really_ isn't what it looks like…"

"Um…okay so…what is it?" Amy asks, a teasing hint to her voice.

"Yeah," adds Rory, a frown on his slightly red face as he pointedly glares at the Doctor, avoiding looking at his rather not-completely-dressed daughter.

"Yes Doctor, what is it?" River chimes in.

"I think you should know, missy," Amy teases, there is a glint in her eye and a smirk on her lips and River knows her mother is finding the situation more amusing than anger-inducing. She's not so sure about her father though.

"Don't look at me," River says, leaning up on her elbows, seemingly totally unabashed by her half-clothed state. "Last thing I remember I was being chased by some angry Polarn ailiens, and then I woke up underneath him like this." She glances down at herself and looks over at the Doctor. "Not that I'm complaining mind…" she adds with a cheeky grin, revelling in his blush.

"Would you - _stop it!"_ The Doctor scolds, now dreadfully flustered. "She just - flashed in and - and she was unconscious, and there was a horrible buzzing noise that turned out to be skarpi insect latched onto her heart draining her blood so I had to get it off, and, and I couldn't do that with - with her shirt over it!" River doesn't think she's ever seen him so red. She almost feels sorry for the poor man - but she's too amused by it take any real pity on him.

Amy and Rory stare at him. "Right," says Amy slowly, like she doesn't believe him. "Deadly insect under her top that you just had to take off to get rid of, of course Doctor."

"There was!" The Doctor insists.

"You know if you wanted to get me naked that badly sweetie all you had to do was ask."

"Parents in the room River!" Rory cries out.

"River! I'm telling the truth! It was there - it was going to _kill you!" _The poor Doctor is so red he looks like he may explode.

"So where is this killer insect Doctor?" Rory asks.

"It…well, I destroyed it, obviously!"

"Of course you did." Says Amy like she doesn't believe him.

"I _did! _River! You believe me don't you?"

"Mm hmm," River hums with a laugh, "course I do sweetie." She gives him a very obvious wink as she sits up and scoops her shirt off the floor, pulling it over her head.

"Oh my God you two were so about to do it," Amy mutters, wincing a little at the realisation. "Come on Rory I think we should leave them alone, I've definitely seen enough."

"Amy," Rory grabs her arm as she turns to leave. "That's our _daughter_, that he was just - just…_molesting_ -"

"I was not!" The Doctor yells in despair.

"- We can't just walk off like nothing's happened!" He continues, ignoring the Doctor.

"Rory, seriously," replies Amy. "Yes, she's our daughter but she's also _River…_and anyway - whatever was going on I somehow don't think she minded too much, right?" Amy looks over at River who gives her mother a wink and a grin before sliding her gaze over to the still upset Doctor. "Definitely no complaints here," she purrs in a sultry voice, her eyes locked with his.

"River!" The Doctor splutters, looking over at her parents as Amy laughs at his distress although she looks slightly uncomfortable. "Amy!" He glances back and forwards between the three of them - "Rory!"

"You're right," Rory says shortly. "We'll leave them to it." And turns to leave.

"This isn't fair!" The Doctor cries. "You're ganging up on me and _- nothing was going on!"_

"Whatever Doctor!" Amy's voice can be heard singing out as her and her husband disappear down the Tardis corridor.

"River!" The Doctor turns to her now they're alone as she gets to her feet. "I'm telling the truth, I promise you! You really did have a skarpi-bot on your heart - I saved your life, it was going to drain all your blood and kill you and I -"

"Shh sweetie," she cuts him off, pressing a finger to his lips. "I know."

"Yes but I - wait - you know?"

She nods, laughing a little. "Yes, I saw them shoot me with it, I've seen those things before it's why I beamed out of there and came to you - so thank you." She smiles and leans in to peck him quickly on the cheek.

"You - _you knew!_ You knew I was telling the truth and sat there and let your parents think that I'd been - been…_undressing _you while you were unconscious! …River! I can't believe you! That's terrible! Now they think I'm some dirty old man who was molesting their daughter and you -"

"Sweetie," she laughs, cutting him off as she places a hand on his chest. "Of course they don't, they know you wouldn't do something like that you silly man. You are a fool sometimes Doctor," she tells him fondly, slipping both hands up round his neck. "They probably just think we were just getting a bit hot and heavy." She tells him nonchalantly.

"What! I don't want them thinking that either! Damn it they're your _parents _River -"

She laughs again. "Oh they don't care. Well - mum doesn't. Rory might take some convincing but - really. It doesn't matter love."

"Yes it does," he shrugs her off him. "Of course it does! I don't want them thinking we were doing that either - I was saving your life!"

"Why not?" she purrs, sidling closer to him again. "We do, don't we?" All of a sudden, something occurs to her and the smile is wiped off her face and she quickly backs away from him. "Wait - how…where are you, Doctor - how early are we for you?" Her eyes are wide and her expression alarmed.

The Doctor opens his mouth to answer her but quickly decides that she's had her fun with him and it's time to get his own back. So he furrows his brow in mock-confusion and scratches the back of his head.

"Well there was the Byzantium…and…the Pandorica…making this the third time we've met."

Her jaw noticeably drops and her eyes go even wider. She backs away more. "Oh God, I'm so sorry, I didn't think - I thought we were later…how are you so early? I - I must have got the co-ordinates wrong I thought I - I didn't mean to find a you this early, God you hardly know me, and now I've -" She stops mid sentence, not just because of his terrible poker face but because her thoughts suddenly sort themselves out. "Wait a minute - you know Amy and Rory are my parents…you bloody liar!"

She looks so genuinely furious that he can't stop himself from bursting into laughter. "Your face!" He cries.

"That was _not _funny!" She fumes.

"Yes it was!"

"It wasn't - do you have any idea of the panic you just caused me?"

"I'd say it was probably similar to the panic you caused _me_ by not telling Amy and Rory that I was telling the truth."

She narrows her eyes at him and they stare each other out for a silent moment before she huffs loudly. "I hate you," she grumbles, folding her arms and looking away.

He smirks at her then. "No you don't."

She fixes him with a look but makes no move to stop him as he comes closer. "Yes, I do."

He slips his arms round her waist to pull her body against his. "No you don't."

"Do."

"Don't," he whispers, his lips an inch away from hers

"Do," she breathes back as they draw closer.

"Don't," his words are hot on her lips.

"Do." And then he kisses her, a heated kiss full of passion that he pulls away from just long enough for her to breathe, "don't," against his mouth, before they fall into another kiss and loose themselves in each other.

* * *

><p><em>Sorry if there are any errors I've just written this tonight and I'm tired now so have probably missed some whilst checking it over. Please tell me if you liked it, and still I am open to suggestions for 'awkward' situations for future chapters for this one! ;) xx<em>


	6. Chapter 6

_So this one wasn't going to be another chapter for this but then I realised I already have a story with this subject matter lol and then when I wrote it the end turned out to sort of fit for this so yes, here it is. Maybe not as 'awkward' as the other chapters have been lol but like I said I didn't know where to put it and well, who cares, hopefully you'll enjoy it anyway hehe :)_

* * *

><p>Tweed off, shirt sleeves rolled up, the Doctor is humming to himself as he tinkers with wires underneath the console. He's trying to make the gym re-appear, but that's just an excuse - he never uses it anyway - he just enjoys spending time under here. It's peaceful and he feels close to the Tardis down here, the warm blue light of her heart glowing up through the console and the soothing humming reverberating gently through the floor.<p>

The phone rings but he has a bundle of wires in one hand and his screwdriver in the other so putting the tool briefly in his mouth he reaches up to press a button, putting the phone on speaker so he can continue.

"Hello!" He answers cheerfully.

"Hello sweetie," purrs the voice down the phone.

He smiles to himself. "Melody Pond! How the hell are you?"

He can hear her grinning through phone. "Oh good it's later you. And someone's in a good mood."

"I'm always in a good mood, when have you ever known me in a not good mood?"

"I hope you don't want a list because it would take a while."

"Alright, alright," he grumbles a bit, "so sometimes I'm not in a good mood but today I am! So, what can I do for you Doctor Song?"

"Hmm you could fly yourself over here right now."

"I could do - but why didn't you just beam yourself here if you wanted to, I know you have no qualms about letting yourself in."

She laughs. "I know. But I don't know, just felt like talking to you. Are you on your own?"

"Presently, yes. Your parents are asleep. Where are you calling from?"

"Prison. But not on their phone - you only get a minute. I'm in my cell. Alone."

"Well yes," he mutters as he twists round to try and join two wires. "You do tend to be alone in solitary confinement."

Another small laugh. "Well yes, but I mean I'm _very_ alone right now. No guards, no cameras…"

"What happened to the cameras?" He asks around his sonic that he's wedged between his teeth to use both hands.

"I disabled them," she says flippantly.

He takes out the screwdriver to point it at something, making a spark and a 'pop'. "What happened to the guards?"

He can practically hear her wicked grin down the phone. "I disabled them."

"_River," _he chides her. "You're a very bad girl, it must be hell to be a prison guard on your block."

"Oh, it is."

"And why, may I ask, did those poor guards have to suffer?"

"Oh, I just wanted to call you sweetie and didn't want anyone listening in…"

"You could have just spoken quietly."

She laughs a laugh he doesn't understand.

"So my love…what are you doing?"

"Right now? Trying to find the gym but so far I've only managed to loose the games room and move the wardrobe to the third floor. She's not co-operating with me. Are you dear?"

"Sweetie I'm sure she's just fed up with you tinkering with things down there and fixing things that don't need to be fixed all the time. You never leave her alone."

"Well if she didn't keep moving and deleting things I wouldn't have to."

"She's a woman honey we like to keep things tidy ."

He mutters something under his breath.

"So…" he notices her voice drop a little. "What are you wearing?"

"What? Well I'm wearing what I always wear River why do you want to know that?"

"I just want to imagine you right now sweetie. So you've got your tweed on…"

"Nope. Too uncomfortable to work in."

"Ah, sleeves rolled up, bow-tie undone?"

"How did you -"

"I know you too well my love. Oh - you're not wearing those stupid goggles are you?"

"There's nothing wrong with my goggles! They're excellent goggles that do all sorts of cool things."

"They look ridiculous. Take them off."

"What! I'm not taking my goggles off!"

"Take them off, Doctor, or I'm hanging up."

"Well hang up then. Why do you care if I'm wearing goggles or not while I'm talking to you? You can't see me!"

"But I know you're wearing them now and they really kill the mood sweetie. Just take them off."

"Kill what mood?"

"Doctor! Please. Take them off."

Giving a loud huff and muttering something, River hears a thud. "There, I've taken them off. Happy?"

"Very. So…" She trails off suggestively, sounding like she's waiting for him to say something.

"So what?"

"Well aren't you going to ask me what I'm wearing?"

"I wasn't going to no." He replies absently as he squints to concentrate on a fiddly bit of electrics he's trying to re-wire. "But you can tell me if you like."

"Well…would you like me to?"

"To what?"

"To tell you what I'm wearing?" Her voice sounds a little irate.

"What? Oh - damn it!" He curses as a whole section of wire lights go out.

"Doctor! Are you even listening to me?"

"What? Yes, of course I'm listening…what did you say?"

"Doctor!" She sounds cross now.

"Sorry, sorry! I'm listening - go on."

He hears her huff. "You were _going _to ask me what I'm wearing."

"Was I?"

"Yes." She replies sternly.

"But I don't really care what you're wearing…"

"_Doctor!"_

"Fine, fine!" he quickly amends at her very irritable tone. Irritable River is something he tends to try and avoid at all costs. "Tell me what you're wearing."

He can hear a smile down the phone. "Well, I just had a shower so I'm in my bath robe," she says in a sweet, low voice.

"That's…nice," he says, not really sure how she'd expected him to reply.

"Mmm but it's really hot in here…I might have to take it off…"

"Mm hmm," he murmurs absently as he concentrates on a fiddly bit of electrics.

"Doctor!"

He jumps a little at her sharp tone. "What?"

"Do you want me to?"

"To what?"

"To take it off!"

"Um - I don't mind really, River. If you're hot then I suppose it would be a good idea."

"Oh for -" he hears her huff loudly. "Right. What are you thinking of right now?"

"What?"

"I'm thinking about you," she tries to say in a husky, sexy tone.

"Well yes," he mutters in reply as he picks up a good old fashioned spanner to loosen a stubborn bolt. "I'm not surprised since you're talking to me."

Ignoring his comment she continues, "I'm thinking about you being here right now, about you kissing me…"

The Doctor pauses in what he's doing. "Um -"

"I'm thinking about you touching me…" She breathes out a sigh and drops her voice another octave. "And sliding your hands inside my robe…"

He drops the spanner. "River!"

"Yes sweetie, I like it when you say my name," she breathes.

"I…"

"Why don't you take your shirt off my love, you've got too many clothes on."

"What - I'm not -"

"It's hardly fair when I'm naked is it?"

She hears another 'clang' down the line that indicates something else being dropped. "I thought you had your robe on!" He says, his voice slightly higher than usual.

"I did. I got too hot thinking of you."

"…"

"So…what do you want me to do, Doctor?"

"About what?"

"Now!" She snaps. "What do you want me to do _now!"_

"What? I don't…know…?"

"Doctor," he can hear her grinding the words out through her teeth. "I'm sitting here, on my bed, in my cell, all alone, totally naked and thinking about you - what do you want me to do?"

"What - well - I don't know - I…what…is there a reply I'm supposed to make…?"

"Oh for God's sake!" The phone clicks dead.

Looking baffled, the Doctor shakes his head. "Women," he mutters.

"You know," he suddenly hears a very familiar, very Scottish voice. "For someone who claims to be a genius you really can be a total numpty sometimes Doctor."

"Amy!" He exclaims, panicked as he spins to see her descending the stairs to where he's sitting under the console. "How long have you been there?"

She fixes him with a look. "Long enough."

Deciding he's no reason to be embarrassed he crosses his arms. "Yes, well. You shouldn't be listening in on people's private conversations. I'm disappointed in you Amelia Pond."

"Oh please. Like you got a right to take the moral high ground. And that was my daughter on the end so I had a right to listen in."

"Well I can tell you, your daughter's lost the plot. And people call me mad!"

Rolling her eyes exaggeratedly, Amy sighs and leans her arms on the railing of the stairs. "She has not gone mad you great idiot, you're just too slow to catch on."

"Catch on to what?"

"She was _trying_ to have phone sex with you Doctor! Oh my God how can you be so old and be this clueless!"

"What! No she wasn't!"

"Yes, she was."

"No - she wasn't!"

There is a flash as he speaks and another occupant is standing in the console room. "Yes, I was."

"River! What are you doing here?" He quickly notices her bath robe. "Are you…"

"The River you were just speaking to? Yes. And I'm here because you failed so miserably at phone sex I decided to just do it the old fashioned way and come see you."

"River!" The Doctor flails his arms around in a panic, motioning frantically to her mother. "Amy is here!"

She rolls her eyes. "I noticed sweetie. Hi mum," she shoots a grin at her mother.

Amy raises an eyebrow. "Hello River."

"So shall we?"

He stares at her with an expression much like a startled deer. "Shall we what?"

"Goodness me we are slow today aren't we? Go to your room, Doctor."

His eyes go wider and flick frantically over to Amy. "River! Your mother's standing right over there!"

She raises an eyebrow, glancing at her mother. "Amy doesn't care."

"Amy _does _care when Amy's in the room." Says the redhead pointedly. "God I get that you two are doing it can you not just be a bit more discrete? You're my daughter, that alone is weird enough without being reminded that your also having sex with my best friend."

River laughs loudly. "To be fair, mother, he is my husband too."

"Which is lovely but…still weird."

"Sorry dear. Guess I just could never really help myself around him." She gives the Doctor a seductive smirk and licks her lips. He swallows hard and tugs at his shirt collar.

"Ugh. You're worse than me. This is making me feel awkward. I'll see you later." With that and a look of slight disgust on her face, Amy turns and climbs back up the stairs but pauses at the top and sticks her head back down. "And try and keep the noise down this time!" She tells them, glaring at the Doctor. "I'd really rather _not_ be able to count the number of orgasms you give my daughter thanks." And with that she disappears.

_"Amelia!"_ The Doctor exclaims, his face a beetroot red as he gapes after her in shock. Although River laughs even she has the decency to blush. "Don't be so - you could _not!"_

"Four!" Amy's voice calls out as she walks off.

"It was five actually," he mutters as her footsteps fade from the room.

"Four," River confirms.

"What?"

Another laugh and a shrug. "She's my mother."

"Yes, and _you," _he pokes her on the nose, "are definitely her daughter. Don't know why I put up with you Pond women really."

Grinning at him, she steps in close to slip her arms round his waist. "It's because you love us. Especially me."

He smiles, and leans in for a kiss, pecking her sweetly on the lips. "I can't argue with that."

* * *

><p><em>Just like to say a big big thank you for the lovely reviews for the previous chapters, and to let you know how much I love getting them and how happy they make me and how much they inspire me to keep writing! Hint hint lol :) And I will definitely get to some of the suggestions you lovely people gave me for future chapters and please keep them coming! Xx<em>


	7. Chapter 7

_Happy Christmas! Here is a 'Christmas special' chapter for you all, I wrote this up quick last night, only a bit of light-hearted fun and I hope you all enjoy!_

* * *

><p>It had been the Doctor's idea to go to her parents for Christmas, actually. It would probably be strange for most people, really, River thought, your husband wasn't supposed to get on with the in-laws and yet hers was their best friend before she'd even been born.<p>

River hadn't been sure about the idea, for her, they hadn't been married for long and this was only their second Christmas together (she'd gathered it was considerably higher for this particular Doctor) and she'd wanted to spend it somewhere quiet with just him. Somewhere quiet and hot, maybe. A white Christmas was just fine as far as she was concerned, if the white substance was sand on a tropical beach.

But, he'd been adamant, waving the Christmas card containing the invite around and guilt tripping her with how upset her mother and father would be if they didn't go, even though, as River pointed out, they could just go for their next Christmas trip and Amy and Rory would never know any different.

She'd caved in the end, because, if she was honest, once he stared talking about Christmas dinner and mulled wine and presents under the tree it did sound rather lovely. And rather like the Christmas she'd always wanted as a child but never had.

So, here they were, in her parents house, specifically, in the guest/her bedroom in her parents house. It was late now, nearly midnight on Christmas Eve and after much mulled wine and cake and chatter, the two couples had bid their goodnights and gone off to bed. The Doctor had actually followed her up the stairs and into the bedroom which surprised her slightly; he rarely slept and she'd half expected him to fly off on some adventure to entertain himself until Christmas morning but here he was, kicking his shoes off and sitting back on the bed.

"Are you tired Sweetie?" River asks him as she rifles through her suitcase.

He shrugs and smiles at her. "Not particularly."

"You're staying? I'm surprised."

Another shrug. "Just felt like staying with you. It is Christmas, River. I want to spend it with my wife."

He gives her another soft smile and she feels herself melt at his words. She smiles back and holds his gaze for a moment before an idea occurs to her and her smile turns to a slightly mischievous grin.

"What?""Do you want an early Christmas present?"

His face lights up.

"Really?"

She bites her lip, still smiling, and nods. "I _was_ saving it for tomorrow night but as you're here…"

He sits up straight on the bed, "what is it?" And looks so much like a six year old child that she has to roll her eyes.

"Wait here, I'll be right back."

"Where are you going?"

"Just wait here." Sliding a bag out of the bottom of her suitcase, she slips out the room with it before he can see and he waits impatiently on the bed for her to return.

A few minutes pass before the door opens, and when it does, the Doctor's jaw drops.

His wife stands with her back to the door as she closes it behind her, a grin on her face and, well…not _much _else on, really.

Well no, she has an outfit on alright, it's just that there's not very much of it. Her tanned legs are encased in translucent black stockings, and slipped into ankle length boots, and she wears…he supposes it's a _skirt_ but it's the smallest piece of material he's ever seen be called one, which is scarlet red with a white fluff edging. Her _top_ matches, which, really, is only a piece of fabric over her chest, although it's doing wonderful things to those breasts of hers. A red Santa's hat perched on top of her curls completes the ensemble.

"I…River…!" Is all he can manage.

"You like?" She asks, giving a twirl, hands on hips. "Thought it was rather festive myself."

He swallows. "Yes, it is. Very festive."

She laughs and he looks her up and down again.

"Are you meant to be Father Christmas?"

The grin fades from her face. "_No_," she tells him firmly. "I am _not_ meant to be Father Christmas, sweetie, I am a woman."

"…I can see that."

"I'm glad."

"So…what are you meant to be then?"

She shrugs and glances down at herself. "Mrs. Christmas?"

A slow smile comes to the Doctor's face.

"Does that make _me_ Father Christmas then?"

This earns him another one of those laughs he loves so much. "If you like."

He is outright grinning at her now, and swings his legs over the side of the bed to sit up straight. "Well." He pats his lap. "Why don't you come and sit on my knee then?"

River gives him another cheeky laugh and strides towards him slowly, her heels clunking on the laminate floor. She stops in front of him and, "well," she says, her voice low and seductive. "I _have_ been a very good girl this year. Do you think my name might be on the 'nice' list so I can get a present?"

"Oh River Song," he replies, "your name is _always_ on the naughty list."

She laughs but bumps his leg playfully with her foot. "Cheeky."

"You love it."

"I do."

"So…" he says when she doesn't move and pats his legs again.

She grins that grin at him and then his jaw drops for the second time that night when she promptly slips her knickers down her legs from underneath her skirt and steps out of them before, arms on his shoulders, she places one knee on the bed each side of his legs and lowers herself into his lap.

"R-River!" Is all he can stammer as she still grins at him and, and…_slides_ against him in that way that makes him suck in a sharp breath.

Her hand slips down to pop open the button on his trousers as she leans forwards to press a lingering kiss to his cheek. "Yes sweetie?"

"We…we can't do this here!"

She pauses, and sits back to look at him. "Doctor. You just told me to sit on your lap…and what did you _think _I got dressed up like this for?"

"I…well - I just thought there'd be some kissing, and cuddling, and lots of touching most probably but River…not _that!_ We can't do that here!"

She raises an eyebrow at him, then smiles and leans in to kiss his neck just under his jaw. "Why not?" She purrs.

"We're in your parents house!"

"So?"

"They're two doors down!"

"I can be quiet."

"You _can't_."

"I can."

"And anyway, that's not the point - it would be rude, and wrong! And River Song, you are a _bad_ influence on me!" He scolds her as he realises his hands are pulling her closer, gripping the bare flesh of her waist.

She lets out a little giggle by his ear as she gives the lobe a playful nip with her teeth. "You said it Santa…I'm always on the naughty list."

"River," he growls in warning, but knows his resolve is rapidly fading.

"Doctor," she growls back, unzipping and slipping a hand inside his trousers.

He pulls her closer still and moves one hand to her thigh. "Oh you _better_ be quiet," he speaks in her ear, knowing there's no point in arguing any longer.

"Mmm hmm," she grins against his neck before tilting her head to capture his lips with hers.

They kiss deeply and slowly, although it speeds up quickly as hands and things become more urgent. The Doctor falls backwards and River with him, sitting back up only briefly to bat the Doctor's useless frantic hands away and unfasten her top for him. He pulls it from her and she falls back down on top of him, kissing him again for all she's worth.

She's far more than half naked now so it's only fair that he is too, she decides, shoving his jacket from him so her fingers can make quick work of his bow-tie and the buttons of his shirt. He rolls them to pin her under him before she can pull it totally off, and she only vaguely registers the suitcase toppling off the bed with an almighty thud and then she forgets about it anyway when he is kissing her like that and his skin is against hers.

She does, however, very much remember the crash the suitcase made when thirty seconds later, the door bursts open.

There is a shriek, from Amy, she believes, and then a lot of swearing from her, and even the Doctor as he scrambles off her and she grabs her top, clutching it tight against her chest - although, by this point, both her parents have their eyes covered anyway.

"Haven't you ever heard of knocking!" River spits at them, harshly, she knows, but she is rather startled.

"Bloody hell!" Amy swears, her eyes still covered. "Sorry, but we heard a crash! And this is the Doctor, pardon us if we immediately think you're both in some kind of mortal danger!"

"Yeah," agrees Rory from behind his hands, although he has turned his back to them as well, "and it's not like we'd exactly expected you to be doing…this…kind of - thing," he stammers awkwardly.

"Right, I mean seriously you two," Amy complains, peeking nervously out between her fingers. When she sees that her daughter has slipped the Doctor's tweed on and is pulling it round herself and the Doctor is now buttoning his shirt, she lowers her hands to place them on her hips. "It's bad enough to do that in someone else's house anyway but we're your _parents_ River, and I know it's in kind of a weird way but we still are! And you!" She aims her cross gaze at the Doctor. "I don't expect this kind of thing from _you_, Doctor! We were two doors away!"

"That's what I said!" The Doctor claims, still very flustered. "Your daughter is a force not to be reckoned with!"

River rolls her eyes.

"River!" Amy scolds. "We're your parents!"

"I am aware of that."

"Couldn't you have…gone to the Tardis or something? Or have controlled yourself when you're in our house! You two have all the time in the world - literally! - To do this sort of thing!"

River opens her mouth to reply but Rory has turned round and addresses his wife first. "Um - Amy. Not to disagree with you here but I really don't think this is something you can be lecturing her about - she certainly didn't get it from my side of the family."

Amy frowns at him and opens her mouth to argue but he continues.

"Just - try and keep the noise down, please," he says to his daughter and her husband, cringing a little, then takes hold of Amy's arm. "Come on, it's Christmas eve, lets leave them alone."

River grins at him. "Thanks dad."

"Rory!" Amy protests.

"Come on," he says, tugging her out of the room the close the door.

The two left in the room turn to look at each other and River bursts out laughing.

Still red, the Doctor exclaims, "River! This is_ not_ funny!"

"Sweetie," she says, her laughter dying down. "My parents just saw me practically naked. If I don't laugh I think I'll cry."

He sighs heavily. "Well you know that was entirely your fault."

"My fault! Excuse me but I believe _you_ were the one who knocked the suitcase on the floor!"

"But it was your fault we were doing…_that_ in the first place!"

She sighs, rolling her eyes as she shuffles closer to him. "Well. This is all going to make for rather awkward conversations over Christmas dinner tomorrow."

-x-

River had been very right, the Doctor finds out, the previous nights rather embarrassing moment _did_ make for awkward conversations round the dinner table, although the meal started off so well. They had spend the first part of Christmas day totally ignoring the elephant in the room and pretending nothing had happened the night before…except for Amy, who delighted in asking them if they'd slept well and when they appeared in the morning.

"Well, we all know Santa came, don't we?" She quipped with a smirk as she made them tea.

"_Amy!" _River exclaimed as the Doctor choked a bit beside her, outraged at her mother's remark.

"What? I was referring to the presents under the tree."

It was dinner time now, and the four were seated round the table, so far having a lovely, surprisingly normal, family dinner. The wine had been poured out, Rory was cutting the Turkey and crackers were being pulled.

Turns out, crackers from two hundred years in the future have much improved in quality. It's also quite exciting to see what size present will pop out, the largest they've got so far is an inflatable bubble chair, already inflated. The Doctor has a great time babbling on about compression fields as way of explaining how it works but nobody really listens.

"Oh look, I got a Santa hat!" Exclaims Rory.

"I'll have it!" The Doctor quickly replies, his face lighting up. River quickly grabs his hand before he can take it from her father.

"You are _not_ putting that on your head. I know you and hats, you'd be wearing it all year."

The Doctor sinks back in his chair, looking sulky.

"Plus," Amy chimes in, "I think River prefers to be the one dressing up as Santa anyway."

The two males in the room go red, and River has had enough. "_Mother_," she grinds out through gritted teeth crossly. "Can we maybe _not_ mention that thanks."

"Ohh no way," she teases her daughter. "You are never living that down."

River glares at her. "You really don't want to do this Amy, you forget I grew up with you as my best friend. I know things about you and dad that no girl should about her parents, so lets not start with the teasing about dressing up ok?"

Amy is silent for a moment before she slowly pales. "Right," she says, suddenly very interested in the veg she's dishing herself out. "No more going there, got it. Never happened."

"Thank you," replies River.

"What?" Asks Rory, his confusion matching the Doctor's as they look between the two women.

"Let's just say I've told Mels things I definitely wouldn't have done if I'd known she was my daughter and leave it at that ok?" Amy replies quickly. Rory's face pales a little too as he takes that in.

"Right," he says.

The four _all _find their food very interesting for the next five minutes, and also decide commenting on how nice it is, is a good way to avoid the awkwardness.

After another uncomfortable silence, River mutters mostly under her breath, although she intends for the Doctor to hear her, "I knew we should have gone to Hawaii."

Amy looks at the two before she sighs heavily and then rises to her feet. "Who's for a drink? It's Christmas, right? Why don't we break open something stronger than the wine?"

Everyone, even the Doctor, heartily agrees.

Once the drinks are poured out and they all have good few measures down them, the pleasant atmosphere returns, and River begins to think that actually, it has been rather nice to spend Christmas with her parents as well as her husband. And it manages to stay that way…until, as they are seated round the tree, handing out and unwrapping gifts, and River gives the Doctor a pair of striped, silken boxers as a Christmas present. And the awkwardness returns.

When they get back to the Tardis that night, River sighs heavily as soon as they close the door, leaning back against it. "Next year, sweetie, _I _decide where we spend Christmas."

"I have absolutely no problem with that," the agrees. "And this is probably the first and last time I'll ever say this to you River, so savour it…" He looks at her very seriously. "But you were right."

She laughs then. "I always am, my love."

* * *

><p><em>So there we go, hope you enjoyed, my Christmas present to all you wonderful people who've been supporting this and my other stories…now, if you're feeling very kind, might I suggest you may like to give me a Christmas present back in the form of a little review? :D<em>

_Enjoy your day everyone! Lots of Christmas love! xx_


	8. Chapter 8

_Well, I'm clearly failing on one front today, but epically winning on the other. Still been intending to write the next chapter for 'Drinking and Dancing' but have managed to now do another chapter for this story instead, as well as the other fic I posted up earlier. Two uploads in one day, I feel quite chuffed!_

_This instalment is an older River, younger Doctor. Hope you enjoy!_

* * *

><p>The Doctor had been supposed to be taking them to a Queen concert, London, Earth, 1960s. When they arrived it had taken them ten minutes to realise they weren't in the right city. It had taken them all of two to realise they weren't even in the right century.<p>

"Doctor, we're getting stared at!" Amy complains through gritted teeth as another couple walk past them, giving all four an extremely odd look, the two women receiving a particularly dirty one. Amy attempts to tug her very short skirt down, and River looks down at her tight trousers and boots.

"Amy's right Doctor, we need to find some clothes if we're going to fit in here."

It seemed the Doctor had somehow managed to land them in Surrey, England, 1864, in a huge grand country mansion that turned out to be holding a ball in honour of a visit from Queen Victoria. When River had complained about his useless driving skills, he'd argued that at least he'd landed them on earth - and there was some sort of queen involved, and anyway wouldn't it be fun, doesn't everyone love balls?

Although slightly annoyed about not seeing Queen, Amy and Rory had been rather excited at the chance of attending a royal ball in Victorian England. And so, they'd gone off to find something to wear, excitedly snooping through the many rooms and hallways of the grand house, and the Doctor had somehow found himself in a large bedchamber on the third floor with River rooting through the cupboards.

"Ah, perfect!" She smiles, holding up the floor length elaborate cream dress. "What do you think?"

"What?" He asks distractedly as he scans things with his sonic. "Oh - yes, lovely."

"Sweetie, put that away you'll break it with all this wood around." She tells him, rolling her eyes.

He sighs, standing to face her as he tucks it in his pocket. She places the dress down on the bed and shrugs her jacket off, starting on the buttons of her shirt.

"Wait! I - ah - shouldn't I turn round…?" He says, flushing a bit.

She raises an eyebrow at him. "If you want to."

"I - don't you want me to?"

She smiles at him. He goes a deeper shade of red.

"Right," he flusters, "I'm turning round." And spins quickly to face the other way.

River laughs. "Suit yourself sweetie."

He waits silently for a few moments, trying not tolisten the soft thuds of her clothes hitting the floor, and _definitely _not envisioning which item of clothing each thud is caused by.

"Little help here sweetie?" Her voice snaps him out of his thoughts and he turns round to face her again, gulping when he sees her back facing him, the dress held to her chest at the front and the back open, laces hanging limply at the sides. She looks over her shoulder at him when she hears him make no further movement. "The laces Doctor," she prompts him, trying not to smile when she sees his wide eyes and pink cheeks.

"Right." He clears his throat. "Yes. Laces. I can do that." He moves behind her and takes up the laces in his hands, _not _noticing how the backs of his fingers accidentally brush the bare skin of her back. His eyes follow the expanse of flesh down, right down, to where he can just see -

"Shouldn't you have some kind of…underclothes - beneath this?" He stammers out, his voice slightly hoarse as he starts to thread the laces and do them up quickly as he can with slightly clammy shaky hands.

He hears her chuckle softly. "Oh bet you'd love to see me in a corset wouldn't you?"

"Well, I - no, I just thought -"

"Yes, is the answer, I should do, but apart from the fact we haven't got time for that, I can't breathe, run or shoot things in a corset, all of which are things I genreally end up having to do with you around. So no, I'm not wearing one." She runs her hands over the stiff material of the dress she is being encased in. "This bodice should be enough to…keep everything in place." She grins when she can practically _hear_ him being embarrassed at his own thoughts. "Long as you do those laces up tight enough."

"I'll do my best," he mutters. He has finished threading them and starts to pull them tight from the bottom.

"Tighter than that." She speaks softly.

"You have to be able to _breathe _River."

She holds her stomach in with a hand at the front. "I'm fine. Pull harder."

He tugs them tightly, working his way up.

"_Harder _sweetie."

He has to bite his lips as his face flushes red with all sorts of indecent thoughts. She grunts a little as he gives the laces another tug and he bites his lip harder. _She's doing this on purpose! _He thinks. He ties the laces at the top and, "there, done." He tells her as he steps back.

"Thank you." She smoothes the dress over as she turns back to face him then bends to pick up her gun belt from her pile of clothing.

"Right. So. If you're quite ready we can…" He trails off when she lifts a leg, placing a foot on a chair and hitching her skirts up round her waist. He can only watch as she takes her gun belt and wraps it twice round her thigh, right at the top of one of the cream stockings she's wearing, buckling it tightly in place. She adjusts the gun so it's at the side and puts her leg down, throwing her heavy skirts down over it.

"Can you see it?" She asks, smoothing her voluminous skirts over the small bulge in the side of her leg.

Mutely, he shakes his head.

"Good." She pauses to let her eyes flick down over his body, pointedly glancing at something he _really_ would rather she hadn't. She looks up to meet his eyes again as mortification floods through him and speaks in a low, cheeky voice; "I'm afraid the same can't be said for yours." Before she spins on her heel and marches towards the door. "Come along sweetie, haven't got all day!" She sings brightly.

The Doctor doesn't think he's ever blushed so hard in his life. _Damn that woman! _

She turns when she's at the door and he isn't following her to smirk at him. "Unless you need a moment?"

"I - uh -" he splutters, feeling his face burn _so _hot as he tries in vain to pull his tweed together tighter at the front to cover something that really shouldn't be there. She covers her mouth which doesn't prevent the laugh escaping her lips. "This is _your_ fault!" He finally accuses, more embarrassed he thinks, than he has ever been in his entire eleven regenerations.

She pretends to be shocked, looking innocent as she points to herself. "Me? What did I do?"

"You know damn well what you did!"

She can't help it, a snort escapes her and she's laughing again.

"Stop it, it's not funny," he snaps. "It's this stupid body," he tries to blame it. "My other ten never behaved like this!"

"Oh is it?" River teases, hands on hips. "And here I was taking it as a compliment."

"A comp- _River!_ This - it - it's - a male hormonal reaction to, to…" He trails off awkwardly as he waves his hands at her

"Me?" She asks cheekily.

"To a female body! It's, I…it's a natural reaction that I apparently have no control over, that I, that it…"

"Oh sweetie," she laughs, as he fumbles over his words, getting more flustered by the second. She almost feels sorry for him, except she's too entertained. "Look at you, bless." She teases as she walks over to him. "Don't worry my love, I _take it _as a compliment that you clearly find me so attractive."

"What! I…"

With another grin, she lets her eyes flicker briefly downwards again. "And don't worry," she continues, moving closer to him as he backs away a bit with a slight gulp. "You get better at controlling those…'male hormonal reactions'."

"River," he says, holding a finger up between them in a scolding manner, as well as to keep her at a distance, as she continues to invade his personal space.

"Yes, my love?"

He scoots away from her, eyeing her warily as she places her hands on her hips and smirks at him again.

"What Doctor?"

Swallowing again, he fumbles desperately to think of something to say, when, luckily, he is saved by the bell. Or actually the door opening…or, actually, very _not_ so saved, he realises, as Amy and Rory appear in the doorway.

"Oh _there_ you two are, we've been looking everywhere for you!"

Quick as a flash, River steps in front of him, pressing her back to his chest. Unfortunately this also makes her backside press into something that causes him to give a muffled grunt, and while he appreciates her helping him to cover his, er…problem, from her parents, he knows she really didn't have to lean into him quite so hard.

"Yes we were just coming to find you," River tells them easily with a smile.

Her parents give them slightly suspicious looks so she quickly continues.

"The Doctor was just helping with my dress," She says as she smoothes her hands over the fabric. "All these laces are a nightmare, don't you ever wonder how women used to do this everyday?"

"Yeah, tell me about it!" Amy agrees, shaking out the huge skirts of the pale blue dress she'd obviously managed to find. "And this corset's already killing me!"

"Hmm." River makes a sound of agreement. She subtly presses herself closer against the Doctor and a strangled whimper escapes him.

They frown at him. "Doctor?" Rory asks, looking at him very oddly. "You alright?"

"What?" He rasps out, his voice slightly hoarse. "Yes - fine!"

River clears her throat. "We'll see you outside," she quickly tells them.

Amy gives her a strange look. "Aren't you coming now? You're ready aren't you?"

"Uh…the Doctor just needs to find something he can put on instead of his tweed."

"What? No I don't!"

She elbows him in the stomach. "Yes you do," She says through gritted teeth with a forced smile at her parents. "We're at a ball sweetie, tweed is not the dress-code."

"But I like my tweed - it fits in everywhere," he argues and River wonders that this so called _genius_ of a man can be so bloody dense sometimes.

"Not here it won't honey," she says, still with that smile as she subtly steps on his foot. "We won't be a minute." She tells her parents.

"Ow - River!"

"Doctor?" Amy is giving him a very strange look. "What are you…"

"Come on Amy," Rory says, taking her by the arm. "Let's wait outside."

Amy shrugs and they step out of the room, closing the door behind them.

River whirls to face the Doctor.

"You are thick sometimes, my love - I was trying to get rid of them!"

"…Oh. Sorry. It's just I'm rather attached to my tweed."

She lets out a huff and marches over to the closet. "Well you're gonna have to change it now. And you better hurry up and pull yourself together, we can't be in here all day! Think I saw a dinner jacket in here somewhere…"

The Doctor lets out a huff of his own. "Well I can't just - just _'pull myself together' _just like that River! What am I supposed to do about this!" He asks awkwardly.

She pauses in her rooting through the cupboard to shoot him a brief smirk, an eyebrow raised. "I could give you several answers to that question sweetie but I think if I made you any more embarrassed today you might just regenerate. Aha!" She exclaims as she pulls out a black tailcoat. "Here we are, this will do, might be a bit large but it's better than nothing."

He shifts uncomfortably. "I don't like you right now." He tells her childishly.

She drops the jacket down, frowning at him. "Well thanks. Is that all the gratitude I get for saving you from embarrassment in front of Amy and Rory?"

He frowns back. "Well it's _your_ fault in the first place! You're a…a…" crossly, he flails for the word.

She moves over to stand in front of him, hands on hips. "I'm a what?"

"A tease!" He finally accuses angrily.

Annoyed, she opens her mouth to retaliate, but is halted when the door opens again.

"Come on, there's food downstairs, it'll all be gone!" Amy says from the doorway.

Having spun to face her mother, the Doctor is _very_ glad that River is blocking him from view again. Unfortunately for him, he'd just pissed her off, and the curly-haired woman takes one look at her parents, then shoots one glance behind her, and the Doctor just has time to realise that that smirk may mean he's in trouble…when she steps away, walking over to the door.

"I think we'd better go downstairs ahead," River says, "The Doctor looks like he may need a moment before he joins us."

Amy's eyes bulge as she looks at the Doctor and sees what she couldn't miss. "Oh my _God, _are you…"

"What's taking so long?" Rory pokes his head round the door, glances about the room, falters, double takes, and gapes at the Doctor before looking quickly away, clearing his throat. "Right."

"This…this is not my fault!" The Doctor splutters in mortification as he grabs a pillow off the bed to cover the source of his embarrassment. "I can't control these things - it's this body - this regeneration has a fault!"

Amy snorts as River laughs out loud next to her. "Doctor," says the Scott, "I'm pretty sure there's nothing wrong with it - it looks like everything's in _perfect_ working order if you ask me." She teases.

"He's not asking you Amy!" Rory injects, still looking away.

"No, looks like he was asking River though," Amy replies snidely.

"I was not!"

"He really wasn't," River defends him. "He's not quite old enough for that yet, bless."

"River!" Amy scolds. "You're terrible."

She winks at her mother. "I get it from you."

"She does," Rory adds.

"Come on," River says, taking hold of Amy's arm to lead her from the room. "I think we should leave the poor man alone for a bit. We'll meet you downstairs when you've got that rogue body of yours under control sweetie." River shoots a wink at him before she walks out of the room.

"But - it - _River!"_ He splutters, his face now _crimson. _

"Don't worry Doctor," Rory tells him, giving him a sympathetic look. "It happens to everyone."

The door closes, and the poor Doctor is left alone, wondering whether in all of time and space, anyone has ever died of humiliation, and if not, he thinks he's going to be the first.

* * *

><p><em>Hehehee my own story shouldn't amuse me so much, but can you imagine? Lol, poor Doctor, I am mean to him. But really, it<em> was_ River's fault._

_Please review sweeties! I love to know what you think! :) xx_


	9. Chapter 9

_As usual, I must just thank everybody who's taken the time to leave me a lovely review so far, and those of you who've added this story to your favourites :) I would keep writing even if nobody liked them because I just love writing about these two but it makes it so much more rewarding that other people get enjoyment out of my stories too :)_

_This chapter is a sort of mid-time Doctor and River. Hope you enjoy!_

* * *

><p>It was nice to be back in the fifty-first century, River had spent the best part of five years of her life here while she was a university and she'd liked the time period. Everything was comfortable and familiar to her.<p>

She chats easily to her mother as the two women and her dad and the Doctor strolls down a street in one of the busier cities in England, Earth. She likes how everything is so clean and organised in this time, every vehicle silent, the roads silvery surface gleaming.

"Ooh look!" The Doctor suddenly exclaims. "This is still here! I remember when this was built oh…two centuries ago. Largest bookstore in the UK!"

"They still have bookstores?" Rory asks, surprised. "I'd have thought everything would be digital now, you know like how they were starting to bring out those book apps for the iPad…"

The Doctor waves his hand. "The novelty wore off in the fortieth century, all of a sudden everyone went mad for real books again."

The four walk inside, marvelling at the size of the place. They all wander round the shop for a while, amusing themselves with looking through the different sections until Rory stumbles across a whole wall covered with magazines.

"Look at these kids cartoons!" Amy exclaims, picking up a shiny red comic. "They move!"

"Yeah and they always start freezing and break after you read them about five times," the Doctor complains.

River laughs. "And you know that because you've read enough of them I suppose?" She teases him.

"Of course not!" He splutters, his ears going a bit red. "I just know these things!"

"Oh look," Rory says, "can you believe they still have 'Playboy' in the fifty-first century?" He muses aloud as he picks up a copy.

Amy rolls her eyes. "Ugh, trust you to pick up on that. Men. Put that back Rory."

"I just want to see what it's like now, just interested to see how it's formatted this far in the future is all…"

"Sure you are." Amy catches her daughters eye and they both grin and roll their eyes. "Alright let me see that," says the redhead, peeking over her husband's shoulder with curiosity.

River snorts, and turns away uninterested - until she catches sight of the particular copy of the magazine still on the shelf and she suddenly gasps and whirls back round - "Wait, no! Don't open that -!"

"_Oh my God!"_

-x-

"Look, I was at university at the time," River tries to explain nervously as they sit round a little table in a coffee shop a couple of doors down. Aside from ordering they've all hardly said a word since the bookstore.

Amy raises her eyebrows at her daughter. "So you were what, trying out a different career?"

She rolls her eyes. "I was offered the job - and it paid good money, _really_ good money, which I needed…I didn't see the harm…"

"Didn't see the _harm_ -" Rory begins to fume but Amy cuts him off with a hand on his knee.

"Look River, it was just a bit of a shock is all," she tells her.

"It's not that it was 'just a bit of a shock'" Rory counters, "It's terrible - I can't believe it River, I can't believe I have a daughter who grew up to pose for Playboy!"

"Rory -"

"Do you know what people think of girls who do that sort of thing, do you think anybody has any respect for them? Do you know what sort of men you get that read that magazine?"

"Rory, honestly, that was in your time - the worlds a lot more liberal now, it's really not that big of a deal anymore." His daughter tries to explain.

"It's a big deal to me!"

She opens her mouth to reply but a waitress comes over with their drinks and so she falls silent as they're served and then finds her coffee very interesting for the next few minutes as she stirs it slowly.

"Look," she says after a stiff silence. "I hadn't long regenerated, you know I was different back then…and I was still in awe of my new body, I didn't see the harm in showing it off if it paid well…"

"River," it's the Doctor, his voice a slight growl and it's the first word he's spoken to her since the incident. "The purpose of regeneration is _not_ to…to…." he flounders, waving an arm around a bit before he huffs.

Rory speaks up again. "I thought you had more self respect that this River."

Her eyebrows shoot up. "I do! I…this was _years_ ago, it…I was young, this body was still new to me I just…"

"River," Amy cuts her off, seeing how her husband's words have hurt her. "It's just that we're all a bit surprised, I didn't think you were the type to do something like that…but it's alright, we all make mistakes when we're young and we all have regrets."

River frowns. "I don't regret it."

"You don't?" All three other occupants of the table chorus in surprise.

She leans back in her seat, folding her arms and looking at them boldly. "No. I don't. Like I said, I was young, and got paid a lot of money for it. And it made me pretty popular with the boys at university," she laughs. "I felt beautiful. What's there to regret?"

"River." The Doctor addresses her with a frown. "Men who see those pictures don't think those women are _beautifu_l, they think they're…" he struggles for a word.

"Sexy?" River asks. "Hot? What's wrong with that?"

"Everything's wrong with my _daughter_ having posed completely naked for a world famous magazine -" Rory starts to complain hotly.

"I wasn't _completely _naked," River protests.

Amy cuts in. "Er - I don't really think you can count that piece of diamondy…_string _as an item of clothing River."

"Well…it was better than nothing. And it's not like the pictures weren't _tasteful_…"

"Okay," says Amy suddenly, cringing a bit. "I think we should just drop this awkward subject and move on yeah? Anyone for more coffee?"

The subject _is _dropped but the awkward atmosphere is not. Another thirty minutes of browsing shops and the four decide to head back to the Tardis, River having very much silently decided to take herself straight back to Stormcage.

Amy and Rory trundle off into the depths of the Tardis once they're all inside as the Doctor keys in commands to take them away from the fifty-first century and into the vortex, leaving River standing awkwardly by the door.

Biting her lip a bit, she walks slowly up the steps to the console.

"I'm sorry," she says quietly, making the Doctor turn to her in surprise. "I didn't mean for you all to see that…ever."

A slow grin comes onto the Doctor's face as he looks at her. "Don't worry, your parents will forget about it, think it was just a bit of a shock." He is outright grinning at her now and drops his voice. "You _bad girl_ River Song."

She raises her eyebrows. "You…aren't you… - you don't think badly of me for it?" She asks in surprise at his expression.

He shakes his head as he shrugs. "'Course not. Who am I to tell you what you can and can't do with your life - and your body?"

She starts to smile back, stepping closer to him. "Actually sweetie, you're my husband, in several thousand civilisations and time periods that gives you _every _right to tell me what I can and can't do," she teases.

"Ah but I'm smart enough to know not to try that with _you."_

She laughs then, and steps into his arms, slipping hers round his waist as he presses a kiss to the top of her head.

"Thought you were…I dunno. Disappointed in me."

She feels him shake his head against her. "Nah. Just had to protest in front of your parents didn't I?"

She laughs. "I'm glad. I was worried."

"You should know better." He rubs her back comfortably.

"Can you take me back to Stormcage?" She says after a minute. "Think I better give Rory time to cool off…then I can just pretend I've never done today every time I meet him and I'll never have to deal with that awkward lecture again."

The Doctor chuckles, amused, as he steps back from her. "Yes, might be best, Just something I want to do first…" he roots in his inside jacket pocket before pulling out a folded magazine with a sly grin at her.

She gasps. "You bought a copy?"

"Well I couldn't very well stand there and have a look at it in the store in front of your _parents_ could I now?"

"Sneaky!" She laughs and he winks at her as he opens the magazine.

"Page thirteen," she tells him helpfully as she pulls herself up to sit on the console, grinning at him cheekily.

"Hmm what a co-incidence. That's my favourite number."

She laughs as he eagerly flips through the pages. "Well you're about to like it a whole lot more."

* * *

><p><em>Hehe. There we go. Short I know but just popped into my head. Because River would so do something like that. And the Doctor would so love it ;)<em>

_Please review me sweeties! xx_


	10. Chapter 10

_And the awkwardness continues! ;) Hope you all enjoy the latest instalment!_

* * *

><p>"Maybe they just lost track of time…"<p>

"The Doctor said they'd meet us back here in half an hour Rory - that was two hours ago!" Amy shakes her head, leaning against the Tardis console "Something must have happened…oh God, and here I thought we were gonna manage _one_ trip without a monster or demented alien trying to kill any of us…"

Rory puts a comforting hand on his wife's shoulder. "Look I'm sure it's nothing they can't handle - you know them. They'll be fine." He attempts to reassure her although he looks equally as worried.

"Do you think we should go look for them?"

"But what if they come back here in the mean time?"

Amy opens her mouth to respond when the Tardis phone suddenly rings shrilly. Her eyes light up and she dives for it. "Doctor?"

"Amy, good -"

"Are you okay? Where are you? Where's River? What's happened?"

"Amy - slow down," he complains once he can get a word in. "We're fine - well…mostly…"

"Mostly? What is it, what's happened?"

"Look just - calm down, it's nothing to panic about we're not in any sort of danger…"

"You're not?" She breathes a sigh of relief, holding a hand to her chest. "Oh thank God, we've been so worried…so wait a minute where are you and why aren't you back?" Her voice takes on a cross tone. "Are you lost again? Honestly Doctor, you go on at us wandering off and you -"

"Amy!" He cuts her off sharply. "I don't have much time this is important."

She frowns. "What is? What's going on Doctor?"

"Well. We may, sort of…need you to…to um…to come to the city jail. With money. To…bail us out…"

"To bail you - ! What? Doctor - you're in _jail?"_

"In…a manner of speaking, yes."

"And River too?"

"Yes - look just, can you come here and -"

"What for? What did you do?"

"Amy! I have about ten seconds left to speak with you please just come - you remember where the shopping center was yes? It's three streets north of there, round the corner, turn left past the fountain and it's down on the right - just ask someone for directions if you get lost -…I have to go."

"But Doctor -"

The phone clicks dead.

"What's happened?" Demands Rory.

"They're in prison!"

"I gathered - what have they done?"

"I dunno but we've gotta go bail them out - honestly this is ridiculous, what does he always say - don't wander off, don't get into trouble - he's supposed to be the responsible one and he's landed himself in jail!"

"Never thought I'd see the day when we're the ones that have to do the rescuing," Rory agrees.

Amy nods. "I hate to say it Rory…but I think our daughter's a bad influence on him."

-x-

They find the jail without much trouble, and on explaining to the man behind the counter what they're here for they're told to wait, and ten minutes later are led through to a back room with a table and chairs in which River and the Doctor are situated.

"What have you done?" Amy demands as soon as she's let into the room. She glares at the Doctor and her daughter, both sat on chairs side by side, avoiding eye contact with the two humans.

"Come on, spit it out, what are you in here for?"

"We um…" River casts a guilty sideways glance at the Doctor and looks back down at the floor and mumbles, "…public indecency."

Amy and Rory's eyebrows shoot up.

"What?" They ask in unison.

"Well, actually, really, it was all just a bit of a misunderstanding," the Doctor attempts but one of the stern-faced police officers cuts him quiet.

"They were caught having sexual intercourse by the fountain in the Town square."

"We were not!" The Doctor and River both claim as River's parents' jaws drop.

"Seriously, we weren't," River tells them, "we were just kissing!"

"Granted there may, possibly have been a slight…lack of clothes," the Doctor says - "but that's only because we fell in the fountain and got soaked!"

"And I was just gonna change and put on some of the clothes I bought," River adds, "I didn't think there was anyone around!"

Amy is staring at them with raised eyebrows. "How did you _fall in_ the fountain?"

"She pushed me!"

"I did not!"

"You did! This is all your fault!"

Rory turns to Amy somewhat bewildered. "Am I the only one feeling like we're dealing with a pair of teenagers?"

"Nope, I've got that feeling too," She agrees, both of them still in shock.

"This is ridiculous!" The Doctor huffs, looking very irate. "The law system on this planet is corrupt!"

"It is illegal," the officer says, clearly very un-amused with the situation, "to engage in activities of a sexual nature in a public place."

"We were not!" The pair deny again.

"And anyway," says River, "it's not like it was broad daylight it's pitch dark - and the whole square was deserted - everyone was at that carnival in the middle of town, we didn't think anyone would see us."

The Doctor kicks her under the table. "Not helping River," he hisses.

The officer gives them a disapproving look and turns to address Amy and Rory. "Will you be paying the bail or not?"

"Yes," Amy confirms. "Yes we will."

He tells them how much is owed and Amy takes out the wallet she'd taken from the Tardis and counts out the correct amount. She has no idea what the currency on this planet is but it sounds a looks like rather a lot of money.

Grudgingly, the man takes a key out of his inside pocket and unlocks the cuffs that have the Doctor and River's hands pinned to the back of the chairs and tells them they're free to go.

"Why do I always end up in a pair of hand cuffs when I'm around you?" The Doctor grumbles as they leave the room.

"You're as much to blame as me for this one sweetie."

"Am not!"

"Alright, come on kids," Amy says, ushering them out the door with a roll of her eyes, following after.

"I'm so never letting you live this one down Doctor," Rory comments.

"Wait," Amy says, a hand on River's arm as she stops abruptly. "I'm getting flashbacks." She fixes her daughter with a glare. "How many times does this make it now?"

River rolls her eyes and swats her mother's arm, walking off.

"Five, Melody Pond! Five times - do you even realise how much money that adds up to?"

River sighs as the Doctor looks between them, confused. "Five what?"

"_Five times_ I've bailed her out of jail!"

"And I did once too," Rory adds.

"They're exaggerating, River says as she walks past the front desk towards the door, the Doctor and her parents behind her. "I'm sure it was only once or twice."

"Um, I think I would know -" Amy begins but is cut off when the door they'd just walked out of opens again and a police officer halts them.

"This was found by the fountain," he says with utter distaste, holding up a clear plastic bag, "I'm guessing it belongs to you madam."

River's eyes widen and, looking sheepish, she steps forward to take the bag with her black bra very visible inside from the officer. She shoots an awkward sideways glance at her parents as she tucks it inside her coat, clearing her throat.

"What? It was wet."

Rory puts a hand to his head, his face rather pink and Amy cringes. "Great. Definitely time to go now." All agree and the four of them walk out of the jail, a slightly subdued River and the Doctor following behind the two younger members of the party.

"How did you leave your bra behind?" The Doctor hisses at his wife so her parents can't hear.

"At least it wasn't my knickers," River tells him seriously in a low voice, "cause I've got no idea what happened to them."

The Doctor shakes his head, not quite being able to believe he'd got himself in to a situation like this one.

"I can't believe we just had to bail you out of jail," Rory says, "you owe us Doctor."

The Doctor looks at his feet as he trails behind them. "Yes, well." He mutters.

They cross the small town square and as they near the fountain the Doctor and River make a point of not looking at it - that is until Rory gives a groan of alarm and disgust and Amy gasps.

"Oh my God - seriously?" She demands, whirling to face them.

"What?" The Doctor says, confused.

"Um, sweetie," River nudges him and with a slightly red face, points to the figurine in the centre of the fountain. "I found my knickers."

With wide eyes, the Doctor spins to look at the fountain to sure enough, see River's lacy little piece of underwear dangling over the head of the statue. If it had been any less of a mortifying situation, he would have laughed at the image. "…Ah."

Rory has a hand over his face. "That is something I definitely needed _never_ to see."

"I…" River begins but realises she can't really say anything that's going to help here so takes the Doctor's arm. "I think we should get back to the Tardis. Come on sweetie." She begins to march him off.

Amy and Rory share a glance before following after them.

"Well," calls the redhead from behind them. "I guess at least we all now know you weren't arrested unjustly."

"I can't believe this has happened," the Doctor complains to his wife quietly as they walk, his face still red. "Things like this don't happen to me, I don't _do_ things like this…I think this regeneration must have an irrepressible rebellious streak. Either that or you've corrupted me River Song. Public indecency!"

Despite the very recent embarrassment, River can't help but laugh throatily at that. "Well I do try."

"I don't know what you're laughing at," Amy calls out form behind them. "I'm your mum now - you're gonna be grounded forever for this!"

River gives a snort and chuckles, shaking her head.

"I wouldn't laugh if I were you," the Doctor confides in her in very serious tone, his voice low as he leans in close. "I don't think she's joking..."

* * *

><p><em>I will beg if I have to - pleeeease take a second to tell me what you thought, I get so much excitement out of a review popping up in my inbox its ridiculous :D<em>

_xx_


	11. Chapter 11

_Must just say a huge big thank you for the reviews etc for the last chapter of this, it seemed to get really a rather high amount I was pleasantly shocked! Thank you lovlies it makes me so happy to hear you're enjoying this! :D _

_Just a quick note before you read this chapter, some of it may be a little bit slightly rather M rated…it was an accident, apparently that's what I get for letting River get hold of a mobile phone. Sorry!_

_Hope you enjoy!_

* * *

><p>The three of them are dining in style today, the Doctor's treat. Frankly, he owed it to Amy and Rory after the last adventure which ended (after a lot of running) in the three of them landing in a pool of glue, yes actual <em>glue<em> the Doctor had sworn was merely cloudy water before they'd jumped. Still it had enabled them to escape but really he hadn't been able to blame them for the bad mood when they'd finally tumbled into the Tardis.

So he'd promised them a peaceful trip and had taken them (actually landing where he'd intended) to a beautifully lavish restaurant in New New York, far in their future, where you could literally only get a table if you were royalty or booked six years in advance (or owned a piece of psychic paper.)

They three were having a lovely time once Amy stopped worrying about not having dressed up enough and were chatting easily and happily, enjoying the atmosphere and the rare peace.

The Doctor sat back in his chair, laughing at a joke Rory had fired off when suddenly his jacket beeped and vibrated. He jumped, patted his pocket frantically until he located a small object which he pulled out and threw onto the table. It turned out to be the sleek mobile phone River had given him last time she'd seen him because she was fed up with him not answering the Tardis phone.

"Oh." He picked up the phone and read the words '_1 new message' _on the screen and touched the 'open' button.

_Want to see you 058-11.456 23/08/5132 20.32 xx_

He sighed and quickly tapped in a response.

_Can't right this minute, be there soon as I can._

He tucked the phone back into his pocket, ignoring Amy's inquisitive look and picked up his menu. "Decided what you're having then Ponds? I hear the roasted antelope is splendid here." He jumps again when his pocket vibrates once more.

"Since when do you have a phone?" Asks the redhead.

"What?" He asks distractedly as he takes out the phone to read the message. "I can have a phone, everyone has a phone - you have a phone."

_You better be - I'm waiting - and don't mess up the co-ordinates I only have this hotel suite for tonight x_

"Yeah but - _you_ don't - and since when do you _text?"_ She continues as he taps away on the phone.

"I text! Everyone texts!"

_Hotel suite? _

He presses send and puts the phone down on the table.

Unbelievably quickly, the phone beeps and buzzes on the table. Amy and Rory give him a suspicious look.

_Yes. You, me, hotel suite to ourselves…think we can find something to do? Xx_

The Doctor realises he's smirking and quickly wipes it off his face, glancing up to check his companions hadn't seen - thankfully the waiter is just walking past and they are busy trying to catch his attention. The young man hurries over and the Doctor puts his phone subtly face down on the table as the three order their meals. When the waiter is gone he picks the phone up and quickly types a reply.

_Are you trying to seduce me Mrs. Robinson? _

"What's funny?"

His head snaps up as he presses send and he looks at Amy who's watching him with narrowed eyes. "What? Nothing."

"Who are you texting?"

"I'm not!" He quickly replies automatically. "Well…I was. But it's no-one. Just a friend. Oh look - see that man over there? He's the King of the USA."

"What?" Amy and Rory whip round to gape, and are suitably distracted, soon firing questions the Doctor answers gladly.

The phone beeps loudly with another buzz and he opens the message while still distractedly answering a question.

_Another comment like that and I'm putting my clothes back on! X_

The Doctor falters mid sentence, his eyes going a bit wide as he reads the text. He quickly recovers before Amy can say anything and thankfully manages to continue his sentence, pointing something else out that distracts them from his brief fluster. When they're not looking he types a frantic reply.

_Stop texting - bad time x_

He puts the phone down and tries to forget about curls and hotel suits, throwing himself into conversation with his friends. (His friends who also happen to be the parents of said person he's trying not to think of.)

They order food and chat easily, five minutes or so pass before his phone beeps and buzzes on the table again. Huffing a bit, he picks it up and opens the message.

_It will definitely be a bad time if you don't get here asap - patience is not my strong suit sweetie xx_

Resisting the urge to snort he responds quickly.

_Couldn't agree more x_

"Who _are_ you texting?" It's Rory this time, looking both curious and suspicious at the same time.

"No-one. It's nobody," he says flippantly, putting the phone back down.

"I didn't even know you _could_ text, it's a bit weird actually…" Rory comments, his brow furrowing.

The Doctor scoffs. "Of course I can _text_, I've existed through all of time and space, I've been fifty billion years into your future and you think I wouldn't be able to work a silly twenty-first century communication device?"

"Well, yeah," says Amy. "I guess you could but it's just odd that you _do_…"

The phone buzzes as another text arrives and she frowns, watching his eyes go a bit wide as he reads the message.

_I mean it. I'm gonna start without you if you don't hurry…x_

"And who is it?" She demands, stretching over the table to try and read the screen; he hurriedly angles it away from her, into his chest.

"Just a friend!" He claims.

"Yeah but _who?"_ She asks with such disbelief that he scowls across the table at her.

"A _friend, _I have friends apart from you two you know, sorry to burst your bubble but you're not the only important people in the world to me."

A temporary sulky silence has fallen over the table, allowing the Doctor to text a response in peace, starting to feel a little cross with River for the trouble she's causing him.

_Stop it. Be there soon as I can - stop texting me!_

Thankfully, River seems to have got the message (literally) and the phone remains incognito on the table in front of the Doctor for a while. Their meals arrive, and the three begin eating, having forgotten about their annoyance in light of the great food.

The Doctor is halfway through raising another forkful of the pasta dish he has in front of him to his mouth when his phone buzzes with a beep again. His elbow resting on the table, he glances down at the phone with a sigh, opening the message with his other hand.

_Sorry can't help it honey. I'm thinking of what we're gonna do when you get here and it's making me wet xx_

His fork drops to the plate, bounces with a clang and lands on the floor, clattering loudly enough to make several nearby tables turn round and tut at him. Red-faced, he apologises, ignoring Rory's rolling eyes and Amy's cheeky complaint of, "can't take him anywhere!"

He bends to pick his fork up, taking the phone with him under the table to hurriedly text a response.

_Not appropriate River Song - I'm in a restaurant with your bloody parents! _

He angrily hits the send button and pops back up with an exclamation of, "found it!" Holding his fork up with a grin inducing more eye-rolling from his companions. He discreetly sets the phone to 'silent' under the table and leaves it on his lap as he resumes eating, knowing there will be a reply. Sure enough, two minutes and it vibrates softly and he opens and reads the message under the table, pretending to scratch his leg.

_Oh are you? And now you're thinking about fucking me…that must be awkward ;) xx_

He chokes a bit, manages to pass it off as a coughing fit and growls quietly under his breath, _knowing_ she was laughing aloud as she wrote that last one, that wicked grin of hers on her face as she thinks about his reaction.

_I'm doing no such thing!_

The text is typed fast and crossly, and he is still frowning when he returns his attention back to his dinner (and certainly not because she'd been right.)

The reply is quick.

_No? Sure you're not thinking about your hands on my naked body, my leg curled round your waist as you thrust deep inside me? X_

The Doctor needs to tell himself how to breathe for a few moments, (in, out, in, out) because he almost forgets. His face is burning, he knows it, and he flails about a bit, pretending to cough, wiping his mouth with his napkin and scooting his chair further into the table. Amy and Rory thankfully ignore him, used to his fidgety nature, as they chat happily about something or other and so the Doctor crossly texts back beneath the table, wondering why he was even indulging this ridiculous whim of hers. Texting was stupid anyway. Texting was a ridiculous form of communication and a waste of time.

_I'm thinking about what I'm gonna do when I get my hands on you Miss Song!_

He realises too late as he presses send that he worded that text entirely wrong.

It takes approximately twelve seconds for the reply, and although brief it still makes him flush.

_Oh sweetie…;) xxxxxx_

He quickly sends another one back.

_I meant that you're going to pay for this and you know it._

_Oh yes, bet you'll punish me well for this one my love, tell me what you're gonna do xx_

She doesn't give him a chance to reply (he has to eat _some_ of his dinner and pretend to be interested in the conversation or they're going to realise he's up to something) before his phone is vibrating again.

_Spank me? You know I love a bit of that…or I'll let you play with my handcuffs if you like...xxx_

_I won't even be coming if you don't pack it in!_

_Oh don't worry sweetie. I'll be making sure you come tonight ;) xx_

He doesn't reply to that one for a few minutes, eating quietly as he silently wonders about her amazing ability to twist everything he says into something sexual. He waits until Amy and Rory don't seem to be paying him any attention til he texts again.

_You are a very bad girl._

The reply is instant.

_You love it xxx_

_Do not. Making me think bad thoughts about you when I'm sitting across from your parents!_

_Really? Like what? Xx_

_Stop it. _

_Make me :P x_

_I would if I was there…x_

_Oh I want you here now. Want your hands on me so much, want you to take these knickers off baby, they're soaked for you xx _

_Oh hell, River…I thought you didn't have any clothes on! :P _

_I don't sweetie. Just my underwear xx_

He was gone. He suddenly no longer cared that he was in an incredibly posh restaurant with River's parents, only that she was sitting in a hotel suit somewhere, in her underwear, texting him. And texting was brilliant, texting was the best thing ever.

_What colour is it? X_

_Red xx_

_I want to be there now! X_

_What would you do if you were here? Xx_

_Take it off. Strip you naked. Kiss you xx_

_I'd kiss you back. Pull you on top of me, beg you to touch me xx_

_You'd beg? X_

_Oh for you honey, yes, I would beg. What would you do next? Xx_

_Kiss you everywhere. Tell you how much I want you x_

_You'd know how much I want you too, when you feel between my legs. I'm so hot for you I'll come in your hand before we even get your clothes off xxx_

Dinner and twenty minutes pass, and the texts become increasingly long in length and dirty in nature. The Doctor is sure his face must be very flushed by now and he is extremely glad he happens to be currently sitting down behind a table because his trousers are becoming increasingly uncomfortable.

Although he thinks them blissfully unaware, Amy and Rory have, of course, noticed him texting away frantically beneath the table in between mouthfuls of his dinner. They've ignore it, rolling their eyes and sharing looks as they try to keep the conversation going without much of his input.

A waiter takes their plates away and asks if they want desert.

"Yes!" The Doctor says, a little too enthusiastically. "Desert, definitely!" There's certainly no way he can get up from the table just yet…

Their menus arrive again, and they order, and once the waiter leaves the Doctor looks down to fire another text away and Amy huffs dramatically.

"You know Doctor, if our company's that boring we can all just go back to the Tardis!" She snaps. His head shoots up to look at her.

"What? No - what?"

"You've been texting all through dinner! It's rude - you really need to work on your social skills."

"What? No I haven't!" He claims, going a bit red.

"You've got your phone on your lap, Doctor," Rory says.

"I haven't."

"Yes you have!"

"No, I haven't."

Amy stands to lean over the table to look and panic flashes through the Doctor's mind at the thought of her looking down at his lap and seeing something he definitely doesn't want her seeing. Hurriedly, he picks the phone up and slams it on the table in front of him, making her sit down with an 'I knew it,' face, and glare at him.

"Fine," he says, scooting his chair in closer to the table. "I just had to reply to something. Done now, sorry. You have my undivided attention Ponds."

His undivided attentions lasts all of four minutes, before the phone buzzing on the table in front of him becomes impossible to ignore.

"Sorry," he mutters quickly, grabbing the phone. "I'll just, uh…turn it off…"

"Alright let me see that!" Amy suddenly exclaims and before he has a chance to react, reaches over and snatches the phone from his hands.

"No!" He grabs for it but she's leaning back in her chair, phone held away from him and eyes on the screen as she begins to read.

"Let's see…'I'm so close now, I can't take much more, your hands on my breasts and your -' Oh my _God_ Doctor!" In horror, Amy closes the message and throws the phone down on the table, her eyes wide as saucers and jaw dropped open.

"_What?"_ Rory chokes out in shock.

"That's _private_ Amelia Pond!" The Doctor splutters, his face deep scarlet, his arms floundering around as he wills the bloody _floor_ to open up and swallow him whole.

"I can see that!" She exclaims, loud enough that a few tables nearby turn to see what the commotion is. "Who the _hell_…oh God. I don't even wanna know!"

"That - it's just - just, someone I know - poet! Very good poet, likes to write poetry, sends it to me for opinions - some of it's a bit naughty but -"

"Er - yeah, understatement," injects Amy.

"Yes - well," he stammers, lying desperately. "I don't_ ask_ for them to send it to me I just apparently am a good judge of poetry, my opinion is highly valued so uh…"

"So wait," says Rory. "You're telling us you've been reading poetry someone's been sending you via text for the last half hour?

"Er, yes."

Amy is looking at him dubiously with narrowed eyes. "And who is this friend who's writing this _poetry?"_

"Oh - nobody you'd know. Somebody from this planet, light-years away from earth, way, way in your future, nobody really, just someone I met once, bit of a weirdo really but there you go that's poets for you…"

The phone buzzes on the table and all three pairs of eyes fall to it as the main screen lights up with a little alert box for all to see.

_1 new message  
><em>_River_

The Doctor pales and then goes very red. Amy and Rory glare at him for a horrible moment, broken only when the waiter comes with their deserts. Probably sensing the tense atmosphere at the silent table, the waiter deposits their deserts in front of them and scuttles very quickly away.

There is a further awkward silence and then Amy clears her throat.

"So…our daughter's a poet now is she, _Doctor?_"

"Uhhh," stutters the Doctor, "- what? Oh - look! It's a text from River! Haven't heard from her in a while!"

They are buying none of it.

He frowns at them, picking up his fork and trying to pretend his face isn't bright red with mortification. "What?"

"Are you seriously trying to pretend all those other texts weren't from River?"

"Wh - what! Of course they weren't, don't be silly Ponds, River doesn't write poetry." He says as he shovels a forkful of chocolate gateau into his mouth. Amy and Rory haven't touched their desert yet.

"No," Amy agrees. "She doesn't."

The Doctor frowns. "I don't know what you're trying to say."

Quick as a flash, Amy scoops his phone up an holds it up in front of her. "So if I open this message it's gonna be something completely unrelated to that one I just read?

"_No!"_ Panicked, he grabs for the phone.

"Ah ha!"

Knowing he is truly done for, the Doctor throws his fork down on the plate, tucking the offending phone safely inside his pocket, silently cursing it - stupid communication device anyway, texting was the worst thing ever invented! "Damn you Pond!" He mutters, face still scarlet red. "I'm going to kill River for this." Wiping his mouth with a napkin, he pushes his chair back and gets up from the table, throwing down a gold coloured card in front of his companions. "This will take care of the bill, I'll be back in half an hour."

They frown after him as he marches away.

"Where are you going?"

"To kill River!"

Amy and Rory look at each other, sitting in silence for several moments.

Amy is the first to speak. "I'm never gonna be able to send you another dirty text again."

Looking traumatised, Rory shakes his head. "Please don't."

* * *

><p><em>Hehe I had fun with this one. <em>

_Two quick things, firstly who watched AK in Upstairs Downstairs last night? I loved her but was a bit bored with the rest of the episode to be honest, hopefully it will improve once the series gets going though : )_

_Also, I may possibly have recently stumbled upon a few pieces of Matt Smith/Alex Kingston fan fiction, and against my will rather liked it, and may have been inspired to attempt my own… RPF (real person fiction) is something I've always been slightly opposed to but gah…somehow it happened. Just wondering if anyone would be interested if I posted it up? _

_Please let me know what you thought of the chapter sweeties! Take care xxx_


End file.
